You wanna take a look inside of my head for sec? Well lets start with what it feels like to be trans. So lets say I have this small box and I put it over my head and its just dark.... I can see out of it. But other then that is just dark. And drawn on that box is the wrong name, the wrong pronouns, and there's a smiley face over my own face. And I just sorta walk around like that. But that's not all. Now I can only speak for myself because everyone experiences dysphoria differently but as you go down there's my chest and I feel like I can't breath most of the time. In fact I can only breath when I have some thing tight enough to cover up my large chest. It's such a distraction when I'm hugging people or cuddling because it's like once someone finds out that they are still there a piece of my man hood is gone. And as you get lower there's so many things missing and out of place. Things that apparently determine if your a man or not. Well I don't fucking have anything and that's the most triggering part about waking up every day!! And then my over all body is all curvy and I just can't breath I can feel the walls closing in sometimes. But I still have to pretend everything's ok. Because my bodies not the only triggering part of it all. It's every little thing that happens it's the comments and the 'jokes' and every little thing adds up. And I can't do anything about I just have to sit there and take it because if I say some thing it will get worse. Cause then I'll be a baby. There's nothing worse then feeling like I'm 'not man enough' even knowing I'll never be. It's things like that that cause me to turn to my 'old friends'. I'm not going back down that road. I'm just now starting to get better. It's so much pressure to be the man I'm trying to be while at the same time I have to hide. And its so discouraging knowing it will be so long before I can even think about T or surgery. Also it's scary not knowing who's actually going to be there for me through all of that because that's a lot to handle and a whole lot of changes that I am so ready for but no one else is. No one truly understands what it feels like. And no one ever will...I just want some one who will hold me while I have one of my dysphoric break downs like I did just now. And I don't wanna hear how much of a man I am because that shit doesn't help it only makes it worse. I just wanna know someone's there because in these times that I'm alone I don't trust my self....
