Stuff

Recently

Hey I highly doubt anyone will read this truly, but hi.  My name is Issah.Quintanilla, Saechao, born in Oregon in the United states of America, and recently I have been feeling lonely again.  

I dont know why, but I feel like I am plunging int the darkness again, as if I was 15, and 16 again, and I don't just feel lonely because I cant see my bois right now because of Covid, but the fact that ive been single for 17 years is taking a toll on me.

Recently I have been waking up the saddest Ive been. I always have dreams of me cuddling with a girl, kissing here, having her warmth on my skin, and when I wake up to see no one next to me it makes me sad.  How come people tell me that I am so great, and that any girl would be lucky to be with me, but still after 17 years of trying my hardest with girls I still end up on the lonely end. 

I am a person who truly advocates for self love, you should see me in person how much I gas myself up, but I'm beginning to realize that I'm and still my self from freshman year. Delusional.

I don't know why I'm still so hopeless why is my heart yearning for love so much. Why is it a must for me to have someone right next to me, why cant I just live life alone, why must there be this need for the love of my life to actually be in my life?.

Why cant life just equal what I want life to be. Traveling with my friends, working not to live an extravagant life, but working so I can travel again and again.  Why does love have to be in the mix, why does being there for someone and that someone being there for me have to be in the mix. Why does love equal life for me.

If people saw me actually say stuff like this they'd probably think i'm pathetic. A guy being sad because he has never felt the warmth of someone they love. I'd probably be made fun of. I tried to take love out of my life, and just focus on myself, and I did, but for some reason It feels like I'm being stabbed in the heart when I see couples being cute, I feel envy. I wish I had that. But no girl has ever loved me back, like I loved them.  It has always me unrequited, and It will probably be like  that forever.  

If people new me truly, they would understand that I just want to talk about love, all the time, the what ifs I had a girlfriends, about what I'd do with her, my ideal type. No one wants to talk about stuff like that especially to someone who doesn't know the feeling about loved by a significant other.  

Does anyone else have the same feeling as I do? Or is it just me? Is feeling this way pathetic.  When I was younger I was told never to cry, and that men don't cry. Only a few people have seen me cry, and heard me cry. Is it okay to cry over something like this? 

Life just feels so lonely.