Steel Heart || Jeongcheol

Another Cog In The Murder Machine

December 30, 2013

To say Jeonghan was doing perfectly fine at Pledis would be the overstatement of the year. Jeonghan was surviving, yes, but he hadn't anticipated just how hard it would be. The dance practices were physically exhausting, he expected that. But the Japanese lessons were a total surprise. No one told him he'd have to learn a new language. The vocal teacher didn't seem to like him very much, and she always made snide remarks to him during class. To top it all off, Jeonghan had-against his will-gained 6kg because of his diet. He hated it. He thought looked like a whale, but it was what the company wanted.

He could count on two hands the amount of times he wanted to just pack up and go home and give up, but he wasn't going to quit. Yoon Jeonghan is not a quitter. With all the people who said he'd never make it as an idol, he's going to prove them wrong.

He learned very quickly that he just needed to repress his emotions and focus on his training. Performers aren't supposed to think or feel. Just do.
When things got tough, he just had other ways to relieve stress. It was these times when he found himself in the bathroom, blood dripping out of the cuts on his thighs. His heart beating fast and his breaths shallow while he waited for the pain to go away. He didn't like the cycle of sneaking away in the night so he could slice up his legs, but it got the job done. It wasn't that bad, it was just stress relief.

The first time it happened was right after one of the dance teachers lambasted Jeonghan for messing up the choreography. He had to stay an extra 2 hours to keep practicing it until he could do the routine perfectly 3 times in a row. He fought the urge to pack up his stuff and quit right then. Instead, he took a razor blade to his left hip. Just a few cuts, and suddenly he was feeling much better. 

'Everyone relieves stress differently. This is my way, and it's totally fine.'

-

"Joshuaji!" He called, gesturing to the American boy who just walked into the kitchen, "Can you come sign this birthday card for my Grandma? She's turning 88."

He gave a weird look, "But I don't even know her."

"We all signed it too, Hyung!" Samuel squealed, grabbing Joshua's hand and dragging him over to the table. "Do it while you can. She won't live forever, y'know."

"Samuel!" Seungcheol scolded, sounding more surprised than angry.

Jeonghan just face palmed, laughing a little bit despite the dark topic. Samuel was a sweet kid, but Jesus Christ he had no filter whatsoever, "My Grandma and I are very close. She practically raised me, and she's the only one in my family that supports me being an idol." He explained.

After everyone signed the card, Jeonghan put in a picture of all of them together that they'd taken on his first day as a trainee. It was all of them, standing there, with their names on their shirts. It was kinda cheesy, but Jeonghan knew she'd love it.  He sealed the envelope and put it into the mailbox.

-

"Jeonghan-ssi, looks like it's time to book you a hair cut. You're starting to look like an Ajumma," a manager told Jeonghan one morning before practice, playfully ruffling his hair as he said it.

Jeonghan's locks were just brushing his shoulders, and his fringe was nearly to his ears. He looked up at the manager, "Actually Hyung, I was hoping I could continue to grow my hair out, if that's ok?"

"Oh," he looked a little surprised by the request, but not unhappy, "Um..ok. Like, for how long?"

"I dunno. Wouldn't it be kinda cool if I had long hair when we debut? Kinda like Minki Sunbaenim," Jeonghan explained, standing up and facing him, "Please?"