Pages and mementos

To Cherish or To Not

I dreamed again and again of falling down an endless well, my eyes fixated on three faces. Those faces seemed blurry now I had woken up and all, but the feel of it had left me shaken. Sweat had dampened my collar and pillow. I exchanged the pillowcase and filled the bathtub to its brim so I could drown myself rather than face the day.

Well not actually drown but at least the water would not suffocate me as the air around me would. But I was wrong. The moment I went under, the silence brought back the burn of last night's golden glow. I spluttered as I jerked away, almost falling over the edge. Wondering what was happening to me, I sat down again, shivering slightly as the cool water lapped me again, contrast to the warm climate.

Baths were supposed to be relaxing and breakfasts uplifting. But my bath time was filled with conflicting thoughts and as I had reached downstairs, I learnt Frank was skipping breakfast as he had to leave. Partly I was happy, seeing that I didn't have to glue my eyes onto an invisible spot, but my chest felt heavy. Anger sparked over the disappointment but I kept my face straight. Michelle kept looking over her toast with a twinge of concern. Maybe I was letting out more than I wanted to. I felt guilty as well. Gulping down everything I could without throwing up, I excused myself from the table.

After what seemed like hours of finding difficulty in breathing, I grabbed a mat, my laptop and got into my swimsuit, covering it with a long white shirt I owned and set off to the one place which was loud without being atrocious.

I know taking a laptop to a beach is not advisable. But there were hardly any people there and I sat far away from the coastline. I had discovered a little dry, clean niche where I kept everything after covering them with the extra towel I had brought while I dashed into the sea. I felt a sick sense of satisfaction as I felt slightly dizzy standing at the junction of the sea shore as the water would flow away, pulling the sand from underneath my feet. I had imagined falling down and floating away to oblivion.

I was confused as to why I wanted to forget last night even though I had rushed back to my room and lay in my clothes, brushing over my lips again and again till I dozed off. I found myself doing the same as I sat with the laptop on my dry lap. Words on screen didn't make any sense to my anymore than my mind did. I made a note to myself to think about this later, to give myself a moment to relax and just let the warmth of the sun sink in, let the cool water hug me. Stop overthinking, I kept repeating. Stop over thinking.

Before I let the sea engulf me, absentmindedly I traced my lips again.

"So, how was your long private session at the sea?"

"You know, that sounds dirty Enzo." I laughed, panting as I reached my door. It had started raining when I had dozed off at about five p.m. and I ran back in full speed and landed at the porch half drenched, half winded. Enzo had immediately jumped in to help, only to laugh at my disheveled state. 

"I mean no such thing. Its just, you basically swallowed whole solid foods, sprinted out before it was ten without telling anyone and then came back drenched, again without any explanation."

"I just...wanted some time alone."

"Yeah...why?"

I didn't know myself. I shrugged as I checked my belongings, specifically my phone and laptop. They were dry, much to my relief. Our momentary silence was filled with heavy footsteps ascending the staircase. I quickly slipped on the shirt, hoping it wasn't Frank.

"Hey Frank!" Enzo called. The footsteps grew louder and then the tall man who my eyes did not want to see right now stood in front of me at the door. I turned on my heel and pretended to arrange things and clean the room here.