ᴏᴜᴛᴇʀ ʙᴀɴᴋs ɪᴍᴀɢɪɴᴇs

jj - feel

based on the song feel by phora

First I lost you, now I'm lost in the drugs
Pop this, take that 'till I feel numb
All I ever wanted was to be yours
All I ever wanted was to feel love
But I'm six pills in and I feel fine
Can't stop thinking 'bout when you were still mine
I just don't know what to do now
Guess I'll take another one just to kill time

I just stared at the wall, empty vodka bottles and packets that pills had been in around me. At least Barry was good for something, right? drugs.
JJ wasn't apart of my life anymore and I had to deal with that in some way. People from the outside looking in probably think I'm fine, but I'm not.
First, it started off with just alcohol and weed, but that didn't do it for me anymore. JJ was on my mind 24/7 and I needed to escape.
I lost myself, that's true.

I wasn't sure if I lose myself when I lost JJ or when I started taking pills.
I couldn't feel anything anymore, and that's what I wanted.
I had taken 6 pills already, but the thoughts of JJ were coming back. I missed him, I missed his touch. I missed everything about him.
I looked at all the pills that were still on the ground. Another one couldn't hurt, right?
Another one could hurt, every pill that I took destroyed a little percentage of me ever having a good life.
It destroyed my chances of finding peace with within myself, it created a war.
I wanted to love JJ, I did. I wanted to tell him that I was sorry.

But I wanted to love the pills as well. They made me numb, they took away the pain that had been put on me.
Maybe I deserved this, maybe I was such a horrible person that God had to make me hate myself in this type of way.
All my life, I have wondered why I was looked at different than others. It was because my mother was a junkie.
I laughed to myself at that thought, I was becoming everything I hated. I was becoming my mother.
How did I escape this?

Can't feel my face and I can't move
But they say you can't love what you can't lose
So. I'm sitting here trapped in my own thoughts
Now I can't feel all 'cause of you
You ever so lost that you feel alone?
You ever scared to end up on your own?
You ever get hurt till you can't feel

It was a while later now, I was still sat in the same spot.
I couldn't feel anything physically anymore, my face was numb. It was getting harder to breathe. I'm sure I would be fine.
I just wanted JJ back, I wanted to be in his arms again but I wasn't sure if that would ever happen.
Maybe he hated me, or maybe he was hurting just like me. Maybe I should've just reached out to him.

I mean, what if he was feeling the same way I was? What if he was sat on the floor, numb just like me?
I doubt he was, his probably fine.
JJ had a heart made of gold, but he had been put through things that no kid should have been put through.
My heart ached, mentally and physically.
I was scared that this was it, I'd end up dying high and that'd be my title. I was scared to be alone, I was scared. I wanted to get up and move but I couldn't. I couldn't move.
This wasn't because of him, I had done this to myself. I just wanted to drown, but I wanted to fight at the same time. I wanted to fight for JJ, I wanted to fight to have a good life and get past this but could I really do that?
JJ deserved the world, and I couldn't give that to him.

I was here hating myself, how was I suppose to love and care for him when my whole world was being destroyed?
Every time I have seen him, there was another bruise and cut lip or tear leaving his eye because of what his dad had done to him.
His dad was the only person on this earth that I hated more than my own mother, I hated him for doing that to such a beautiful boy.
JJ deserved a life away from all of this, he deserved a life where he could flourish and be anything he wanted to be.
He deserved happiness. He deserved so much.