bittersweet | taekook

eight

there were often times when jeongguk's mind would flicker back to the memories that were shared between him and taehyung.

the foreign feeling that started blossoming in his heart was new and unusual – more often than not, jeongguk felt scared of it.

whenever he was with taehyung, there wasn't anything that could harm his body.

yet as soon as taehyung started getting closer to jeongguk – whether it was mental or physical – jeongguk didn't like it.

having associated affectionate feelings with moments of pain and abuse, jeongguk was unsure if he wanted to let taehyung further into his life.

that's why he would often zone out during his lessons at school; he would speak with customers in a monotone voice whenever accustoming to them; he would remain silent whenever taehyung spent time with him at the bridge. his mind was suddenly filled with thoughts to the brim; stripping him of any emotion.

perhaps, he truly is a human (rather than an emotionless thing that he thought he was). his mind was always empty; his heart was always empty – everything was empty.

yet taehyung would often tug on a few of those heartstrings.

whatever it was, jeongguk didn't want to get attached. he was scared of being fooled, of being used and thrown away like usual.

he didn't want to let taehyung into his life.

but every time that taehyung inched closer to his body, he would forget about those feelings and just let his body go with the flow.

and once it was over, jeongguk would promise himself to distance himself from the other guy.

you can guess what happened when taehyung would appear by his side once again.

it was an endless cycle of empty promises to himself.

"hey, are you alright?" taehyung asked when they were at the bridge once more. he kept waving his hand in front of jeongguk's eyes – the same pair that appeared dull once more. the same pair that caused taehyung to bite his lips in worry since he was unaware of what jeongguk was going through. he wanted to know – it was evident in his body language, but jeongguk ignored it.

"i'm fine, taehyung." jeongguk replied whilst swatting taehyung's hand away. "i've just been thinking more often and... i don't know. i don't like the feeling that i'm experiencing."

"what feeling?"

"it's hard to explain." jeongguk replied whilst heaving his chest. "i'm not even sure of it myself – my heart flutters and i hate it."

jeongguk looked into taehyung's eyes with a pained look. "i absolutely hate it, taehyung. i just want it to go away."

with an immense wave of sadness flushing his face, taehyung pulled jeongguk's head to rest again his chest. whenever taehyung spoke, jeongguk could feel a gentle rumble emerging from his chest – sounding somewhat pleasing.

"do you like somebody?"

"i like you." jeongguk immediately replied with a hum. "there's nobody else significant in my life. either way, i don't even know if i like you or if i just like the attention that i receive from you. i'm not sure if i'm simply happy from having a friend, or if these are actually affectionate feelings towards you, taehyung." jeongguk would admit all of this without shame – he was rather truthful with his feelings because what's the point in lying?

"don't be scared to get to know yourself. take some time to try and figure out what those feelings are, then you will feel better about yourself, jeongguk. at the beginning of this sort of journey, feelings can be a pain in the ass but once it passes, it'll all be fine."

"what if those feelings don't pass?"

taehyung glanced down at the boy in his arms and let out a sigh. "i don't know what'll happen, gguk. i've usually accepted my feelings for people after a month or two because for me, there's no point in trying to deny it. i accept it."

"i don't want to get hurt, taehyung."

"you won't. with me, you definitely won't. do you understand?" taehyung whispered in jeongguk's ear.

no, jeongguk thought. i can't trust anybody.

"yes." maybe it's better to lie.