bittersweet | taekook

nine

jeongguk was used to the pain. whether it was physical or emotional – he was used to it. whether they were his mother's beatings or her harsh words that were continuously spat on him. it was pain, so he was used to it.

therefore, there shouldn't have been any reason for jeongguk to experience pain whenever he was around taehyung. he didn't want his heart to clench whenever taehyung laughed, or whenever taehyung held his hand as if they were six-year-old children running across a field.

that was why jeongguk needed to finally do it.

he had gathered good grades within the few months he tried; finally proving to others that he wasn't some "dumb and immature" child.

the improvement in grades also earned him a pay rise from his manager. the lady was very lenient and jeongguk was able to complete the simple job as a cashier, so she rewarded him for his grades instead. "work harder, earn more," she would say to him whenever he whined about it being hard.

he aced the tests in school (though he wasn't sure if he had guessed correctly or if his brain had truly remembered the correct answers). the new experience was pleasing.

after having done his best in his tests, jeongguk had skipped a few classes once more, solely to enjoy the company of min yoongi and their cigarettes.

the high wages earned him quite a lot of money to start with and though it was nowhere near the desired sum; he was still pleased with the hard work he had put in.

which was why jeongguk was comfortably writing a letter whilst leaning against the wall of the bridge. he was seated in the middle of the path once again.

jeongguk had arrived at the spot an hour earlier than usual and that was because he had a certain task to complete.

he was writing a letter.

jeongguk glanced upon the writing he had done already, and he continued to add onto it as time went by.

taehyung,

i'm not sure where to begin, as i've never done these sort of things... as you know, already.

i don't write letters, so i do apologize if my work appears messy and disorganized, i have too much on my mind and yet, i don't have enough space to fill my thoughts with.

first of all, i want to thank you. i want to thank you for entering my life unannounced because believe it or not, you made my heart flutter. it went boom boom. but it hurt.

every time you did something hot or cute, my heart went boom boom. and, it started off with a gentle 'boom,' but as time grew on, my affection for you increased and so did the pain. i didn't want to let you enter my life, let alone my heart. i'm not sure if this is what you would call 'love' or 'pain', but i know that it hurts.

and i want it to stop.

my mother had abused me for a long time. she deprived me of any emotions, especially affection. that's why the whole concept of 'love' is so foreign to me. i don't like it.

when i was young, i believed that 'love' would be shown through slaps on the face or kicks in the back. i didn't know that 'love' was actually hand-holding. that it could've been shown through a hug, or even a kiss.

thank you, for making me realize yet another emotion. i felt human – or at least, for the short period of time.

as i mentioned earlier, i'm not sure how to phrase my letter. so, i just want to thank you for everything. i really do. thank you, thank you, thank you!

attached to this letter is money – all that i earned. every single money note and coin. do you know why this is here? well, i've left it here because i'd like you to give it to your children when they've grown up. tell them that it's from a friend who had to travel, so he's unable to meet them. i hope they use it wisely.

i'm writing this whilst sitting on the bridge. you should arrive here in around fifteen minutes, if you're up to schedule! maybe we'll see each other before i turn my back once more?

oh! speaking of the bridge, i never really told you why i cherish this place more than any other, did i? of course, this is a great place for me to escape to due to my parents, but there's another reason.

the reason is: i can simply look down at the sea. i can enjoy the wind it blows into my face. i can turn around, extend my arms and fall.

that's right, fall.

i – jeon jeongguk – have been wanting to fall for the longest time. this safe place is 'safe' because it ensures me with the quickest way out of life. that's why it's safe.

oh... i think i can see you in the distance! sorry for the long letter. i'll see you soon, when you're old and wrinkly:)

- jeongguk.

jeongguk placed the letter inside a metallic box and even put a small polaroid photo on top of it, then he shut it. he had picked out a metal box just so that nothing flies away.

with that, he smiled.

yes, he smiled.

then he climbed the railing; gaining the attention of nearby cars – causing them to stop at an alarming rate.

jeongguk stood up straight on the railing and whether he liked it or not, the vague calls of those strangers were blurred to him.

his view only focused on the man who had dropped his bags of snacks; the man who had widened his eyes and began running towards him.

the man who was yelling out jeongguk's name repeatedly, whilst reaching out his hand.

jeongguk turned around and outstretched his arms; closing his eyes and allowing the wind to guide his way.

he saw the man getting nearer and nearer by each second – tears already dampening his face.

"thank you," is what jeongguk mouthed before taking a step back.

he fell.