Fortitude

26-Foreign

“I command you to take an oath, O daughters of Jerusalem, That you do not rouse nor awaken my love Until she pleases.”

Song of Solomon 8:4 AMP

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Raziya

By now I'm sure you're thinking that I'm one confused human. That's pretty much how it's been for as long as I could remember. That is exactly why I chose to make sure I mapped out how everything would flow in my life. It was getting exhausting. Being hot and cold.

You know how those large freezers somehow always never have a door handle on the inside. If you lock yourself in, that's it. All my life i'd willingly locked myself in, freezing down every ounce of warmth that a man could give me. Work, read, plan, plan, plan(spare some time for God when I can) repeat. It'd been going so well, I think. Anyway, the inner me had somehow Macgyvered a way to open the freezer. It probably isn't a big deal to a lot of people, but something about being that close to him felt surreal. Yes the rush of adrenaline was very loud as it coursed through my system, but there was just something I couldn't quite put my finger on.

People started streaming in as the doors were opened. I followed Taji inside, still holding onto his hand. My jaw dropped as my heart leapt to my throat. Before us stood rows and rows of paintings, photographs and sculptures.

He actually listens to me!

"Taji, you are officially my favourite person on earth!" I chirped, throwing my arms around his neck as he chuckled. I then pulled him to follow me as we looked through the art gallery.

My designer instincts were taking mental notes of where and how I could work some of the art pieces as we studied each. He didn't look that much into it but I was just glad that he actually thought of taking me there.

I was completely engrossed in the excitement of being there that I didn't notice leaving him behind after I turned a corner to see more. I retraced my steps to look for him. He was a few steps behind me, with his hands in his pockets as he cocked his head to the side, deeply studying a specific art piece.

I walked to him and did the same. It was a black and white illustration of a faceless guy reaching out to a glowing arm in the night sky. It felt rather dark but it seemed to be conveying a deep message. I threw my eyes to the bottom right corner where there was some writing that read.

Fortitude by BPD Hands.

What in the world is BPD?

Taji was still staring at it. He reached out and traced his fingers over the name of the artist then let out a sigh.

"Do you know him?" I asked.

"Who, the artist? No. It's just... " he paused then looked at it with a glum expression then went on to say, "never mind. Let's look at something else."

I furrowed my eyebrows at him in confusion but followed him either way. We walked around for nearly an hour through two floors of artwork before we took a break on balcony of the second floor.

The cold air hit me like a wrecking ball as we stood there. The sweater was cute but it was absolutely not serving it's purpose. I wrapped my hands around myself to keep warm as I watched him rest his hands on the glass barrier and stare out into the city. The view was breathtaking. Nairobi at night always looked like a gateway for robbery and all kinds of evils that I heard stories of. I never liked being out late so I never really bothered to take in how beautiful it actually is.

"Why are we here?" I asked. He took off his jacket and wrapped it around my shivering body with a small smile on his face. The lights on the balcony made his skin look golden, bringing out the hazel brown colour of his eyes. My breath felt cought up in my throat as I stared into them, allowing myself to get lost.

Breathe Raz.
Breathe.

"Well you said you've always wanted to go to an art gallery, so yeah," he answered with a nervous chuckle as he rested his hands on my shoulders.

"Aren't you cold?"

"Naaah, I come with inbuilt insulation you know," he said as he stepped back to rub his belly. I chuckled back nervously, lowkey enjoying being that close to him.

"Quit looking at me like that," he said with a shaky laugh. I had absolutely forgotten that I was gawking at him. His golden skin, his beautiful hair, his alluring eyes, his full lips-

No.
Don't even think about it Raz.

"How?" I replied, my voice coming out a bit choked.

He took a step closer closing the little distance between us then looked straight into my eyes with a raised eyebrow and whispered, "Like I'm some sort of masterpiece."

Well, you kinda are.

My brain was on overdrive as my knees felt weaker and weaker with each passing second. All the noise in my mind just paused as time stood still. His eyes trailed from my eyes, down my face to my lips, lingering there for what seemed like forever. The light brown glow in his eyes turned darker. He cupped my cheek then tilted his head as he leaned into my face. My chest was like a pendulum, as I tried to pull myself together. His breath overwhelmed all my senses as his lips parted. I, however, placed my hands on his chest and gently pushed him away. He then shut his eyes tightly and let out a sigh then bit his lower lip. He dropped his arm to my shoulder and bowed his head and I'm sure I heard him cuss. He then looked up at me, his eyes regained their hazel colour.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that," he said as he took a step back. My brain was still mush so I didn't say anything.

"I'm genuinely really sorry. The last thing I'd want to do is make you compromise anything for me. I respect you strawberry, I really do. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but I really do. Just-" he stopped and looked down. The next words were barely a whisper, "Please don't l... leave me."

Leave you?
Wait are we like a thing now?

He looked up and my heart dropped to my stomach at the sight of his watery eyes.

What exactly is going on?
Did we almost just kiss?
Why didn't I stop him?
Was it this serious between us?
What's us anyway?

"It's okay," I eventually managed to choke out. I gave him a smile to assure him that everything was okay. I just didn't understand how fast that escalated. It was a foreign feeling. Never in my life had I been in such a position so that was simply the best way my baffled brain opted to deal with it.

"I should get home before my parents start calling me," I said as I took his jacket off. He stopped me halfway and said, "Keep it. I'm good."

"Where are you going?" I asked as he started walking away.

"To find the washrooms, wait here." He said in a coarse tone then disappeared into the gallery.

What exactly is wrong with him?
One minute his all up in my face, the next he's back to being weird.

I stood there for a while trying to process everything before someone called out my name making me turn around.

"Mark?"

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This is love - for King and Country