Just Slightly Introverted

Social gatherings

Let me spell it out.

Social gatherings.

Are another one of my biggest fears.

Whether it be prom, graduation, large events, weddings, parties, or even church for the matter - scares me.

I don't know what terrifies me more: the fear of being left all alone, the loud noises that I can't stand, or having my energy drained out of me with no good excuse to leave.

Let me start with the first one, then we can then identify which wins the place of 'top reason I hate social gatherings'

1. The fear of being left all alone.
Every single time I have to prepare for a social gathering, a ton of negative thoughts cross my mind.

Like, oh gosh, what if I can't find anybody to talk to? Oh man, what if I arrive earlier than my friend?

Oh no, what if I have to stand there alone looking so awkward and pathetic among other people who are interacting so confidently with one another?

Worst still is if you're going to a place, knowing that you have nobody that you know who are going. This is why I'd always make sure I have at least 1 friend before I head to anywhere new.

All these thoughts will creep into me and make me FEAR attending social gatherings so much.

But if I eventually go, I'd make sure my phone battery is charged full so that I can escape to the toilet anytime and just hide there till everything is over. At least then I don't have to stand there looking awkward.

But, there are some instances where I end up enjoying myself! These times only happen if I meet another lonely individual or just immediately bond with another person at the gathering. (Which is rare, though)

2. Loud noises
I'm not sure if it's the same for everybody, but loud noises absolutely irritate me.

And loud noises and social gatherings so happen to work well together.

I would just be sitting there, I try to talk to a person, but I would not be able to hear myself or the other person speak.

It would just be a series of "What? I can't hear you!" back and forth until I eventually give up and just resign from communicating.

And most of the time, it would be me who is unable to hear whatever people are saying when they talk to me. For some reason. The other person usually doesn't seem to have the same issue and they can hear me perfectly fine.

Could it be they are immune to loud noises? Or maybe I should get my ears checked, oh no.

3. My energy gets drained fast
Do I need an explanation for this? When I'm at social gatherings, man, I can instantly feel my energy running out really quickly. (Like what I always mention, my battery.)

It's as though it takes me so much of effort just to do anything once my energy is drained. I would keep fantasising about how things would be so much better if I just remained at home, in my bed.

Anybody who talks to me are just a blur cause all I want is for the time to pass quickly and the perfect timing for me to excuse myself and head home.

And as soon as I leave the place and merely step into my car I would already feel my battery recharging again.

Sometimes, we just need that time off other human beings :)

So which reason tops it all?
I don't know about you guys, but the first one definitely prevents me from going to any social gatherings.

But here's the funny thing: as much as I despise social gatherings, I still go for them sometimes and regret later on ?? It's like I never learn, I guess it's the FOMO (fear of missing out).

And as much as I don't like to go for them, I still like the feeling of being invited to them. It makes me feel acknowledged somehow. Like "Aww you remember me, thank you so much."

"It's too bad I won't end up going anyways."