Only God Will Know

Bonus! Questions I Bet You Asked

  • Why the hell didn't Bakugou use his name until the last line?
Because he doesn't see himself as a person until then. The entire story he's struggling with if he deserves to be a hero, to be alive, if pain should be a punishment or a helper. He doesn't see himself as Katsuki Bakugou anymore because he thinks 'old' Bakugou is dead and instead of making a 'new' Bakugou like how Midoriya made a 'new' version of himself, he thought he was just over and done with.

  • What's up with the vague descriptions?
Bakugou doesn't really care much about describing others lest it be himself or Kirishima. He'll describe a few people around him, but otherwise you don't exist and he doesn't want to acknowledge you.

  • Why'd he use their full names during that one part of the story?
He's showing internally that he actually does care/have respect for them. It's also a big turning point in the story because this shows he has some if-s against killing himself unlike his first attempt. Sometimes when a person is going to kill themselves, they say I love you to people they usually don't say it to or try to tie up 'loose ends'. I tried to use that here to show how much he feels he's wronged them and that he wishes he could make things better, but can't think of a way to do that if he doesn't get rid of himself. This is shown in a different light when he starts calling Aizawa his teacher instead of the teacher.

  • Whose POV is this?!
Is a mix of Bakugou's (mainly) and Midoriya's and Kirishima's. You can tell who's POV it is by what names are used (and even then I tried to make sure they used Bakugou's name as little as possible so it'd have more of an impact when he used his full name in the last line).

  • Why call self harm a 'fix'?
It's kind of like an addiction, at first it feels good, but then that feeling fades and you feel the need to do it more to try and bring that feeling back, but it never does because you've just become... numb to it.

  • What's up with the red and black?
The red is his blood (obviously), but he doesn't want to recognize the fact that he's hurting himself, not to mention this is part of how he dissociates himself from what he's doing. The black is him seeing what he believes to be his badness and that ball in his stomach emptying out.

  • Why don't you just say cutting or blood?
It's his dissociation in action.

  • Why wasn't he ever on medication?
His parents didn't think his depression was bad enough that he needed to be on an antidepressant (the antidepressant he is shown to be on in the story is Escitalopram, aka Lexapro, just in case you were curious).

  • Why'd he have the medicine bottle with him when he went to see the therapist?
He realized his trouble sleeping and increased thirst were side effects of the medication and was like "huh, that's bad. I should probably be on another medication." So he decided to ask his therapist.

  • What did Todoroki's comment mean?
Todoroki is clinically depressed and cut for a while, he sees the same behavioral hints at having clinical depression and felt the need to point that out to Midoriya so he'd stop questioning whether he should help or not.

  • Who's he arguing with in those weird segments?
He's arguing with himself.

  • What's the creature have to do with his problems?
The creature is his want to die, he fights it, he tells it that he can handle this without it, that there are other ways to make this badness go away, but eventually he gives in to it.

  • Why'd he see an LoV member the one time and then never again?
In the beginning he was trying to convince himself it was just the kidnapping that had him on edge (or even the retirement of All Might cuz he showed up once too!), but then he realized it was a bunch of different factors and thus the darkness became Midoriya.

  • Did his fight with Midoriya ever happen?
Nope!

  • Why's he acting like All Might's dead?
He feels like he is, that he killed him. He doesn't feel like he's just in retirement and he doesn't see that All Might is okay with this, that his power was going to disappear anyway. Bakugou sees this 'death' as his fault and not All Might's decision.

  • What's with the ball and the pit?
The ball is his want to die, it's his grief and regret all bottled up ready to burst until he can't take it anymore or hold it down anymore. He's holding in his meltdown basically. The pit is his depression, sadness, and anger that just keeps on building up. At first he thinks the cutting empties it out, but eventually he just becomes numb and sees he was wrong even though he still wants it.

  • What's up with the weird grey scale bullshit?
It's saying that he's fallen so deep into his depression and the feeling of hopelessness that he stops seeing color. When Aizawa talks to him he brings back the color by giving Bakugou his hope back.

  • Why does the sun appear so much?
The sun is goodness, it's his hope. He doesn't want to thank anyone for it, he wants to shut it out because it hurts, but then he comes to realize he misses it and that it feels good. He needs hope because it's the beginning of getting better, he isn't broken. He just needs that hope and goodness back, he needs to learn to handle his emotions. He can't say he's broke because he can't go on, he needs to understand himself. That's what the sun is.

  • Why are inanimate objects talking to him?
The doors do because they tell him where to go to be alone, where to find the razors (or his switchblade), or how to lock himself away. The mirror or window (or whatever else reflects) is that part of him that thinks he needs it and it begs. The switchblade also begs because the knife calls for blood, it calls for him to let go.

  • Why were there '' around certain words?
They're things that are, at a loss for better words here, wrong to Bakugou or things he feels he needs to question.