Sunflowers

5: Futile Desire

Ever since I woke up this morning, my mind has not left Ariel alone. The prospect of meeting her a year after 'The Incident' terrifies me. I objectively know that I have nothing to be afraid about but that knowledge never stops the fear. The Incident. The incident that I refuse to consciously remember yet whenever the mind wanders, even if for a fleeting second, I somehow end up there. The incident which liberated me. Which made me fall in love with my life.

To me life has never made sense and not in a way that is mysterious but in a way that is disappointing, some would even say tragic. I have never looked at my life and thought about the times when I was a different person because there are no such times. For most of my life I have been the same Sylvia. A Sylvia who has suffered so much loss that she forgot how to live. Sitting here in this car though, driving to brunch is not that Sylvia.

Ariel was the furthest thing from my mind when I received the call. It was a cozy Sunday afternoon, I had made lasagna for lunch and was currently curled up on the couch with a bowl of chocolate chips and a book. Cookies were simultaneously baking in the oven which were for my niece who was coming to visit me for the day because my sister had 'date night with her husband'. The only thing left to do was play Louis Armstrong's 'What a wonderful world' in the background. It was in the air, this sense of intoxicating euphoria that you could taste with every breath. I should've known. I should've known that was the day. The day the radio silence would end. The day I would get to hear her voice again.

When my phone rang, I answered it quite absentmindedly, not bothering to look at who it was. I half expected it to be my sister telling me they were running late. Ariel's voice hit me like a slap in the face, waking me from my entranced state. I instinctively sat straighter, more attentive so as to not miss even a word of what she was saying.

There was a palpable excitement in her voice as she told me an array of different things about her trip and then what her editor had said before she finally came to the point; she was going to be a published author. I could feel her happiness from the way she spoke. Her voice was like a child who'd had too much candy and couldn't sit still. It put a smile on my face, just listening to her be this happy.

There was a party tomorrow. She wanted me to go. I wondered whether going would be a good idea. Parties were not exactly my scene. I told her I would think about it. She laughed. "Still not very big on socializing I see." I smiled. Yes. I had not changed one bit. Saying this was my way of telling her that I was the same person she knew six months ago. That nothing had changed. That she knew me. Although after those couple of months spent on social media, I did not think I knew her. At least not as much as I wished to know her. Did she feel the same about me? Or was she satisfied with what she knew?

What was I doing right now? Her question caught me off guard. Nothing. Reading a book. I could sense a smirk in her voice. I almost expected her to make some sarcastic comment on how I wasn't living enough. But to my surprise, she apologised for having disturbed me and hoped that I would try my hardest to make it tomorrow.

And just as suddenly as that conversion had begun, it ended. Like a slap in the face. It filled me with utter distaste. Had I done something wrong? Why did she say goodbye so hastily? Was this some sort of tactic to make me attend the party tomorrow?

I crash landed into the harsh truth that is reality. The perfect spell of euphoria was now broken. I fail to understand why I do this every time. I cannot expect her to act on information she does not have. I am aware that I am completely smitten with her but she's unaware. There is nothing to expect other than heartbreak when you expect someone to have superhuman abilities like mind reading.

I lost my desire to read and even the bowl of chocolate chips had lost their magic. Now they tasted like an insipid lump of food that eventually dissolved in my mouth. There was no point in dwelling on what was never going to happen. Because even if by some miracle Ariel managed to read my mind, there was no way someone as free-spirited as her would ever be attracted to someone as dull as me. I decided to go check on the cookies. Perhaps, spending some time with Skye would help my mind forget about Ariel again.