Obsessions ⇢ Tony Stark

33 | Cuz I Love You

The next couple of weeks passed uneventfully, but Eleanora could feel herself gradually sinking again. Her good habits had been slipping lately and she felt like she was on the brink of falling again, like she was on a roller coaster, slowly grinding up that first incline teetering precariously on the crest before the inevitable sudden drop. And while she could feel the sense of progress slipping away, while she could feel it coming, she couldn't bring herself to do anything about it. 

What was the point? She kept making progress, she kept improving only to fall back down again. Why put herself through that when she could just stay down? 

She didn't want to tell Tony, she wanted to just get through it herself, But she was also well aware that that's how she'd always tried to fight this and going at it alone had never ended well in the long-run. So after an excruciating internal battle that dragged on for most of the evening, as she and Tony sat in bed that night, she finally built up the courage. 

As soon as he realised the tone of the conversation, Tony sat up and gave her his full attention, listening intently. Eleanora couldn't help the tears that escaped her as she explained how she had been feeling, and Tony took one of her hands in his. 

"Okay," he said softly once she finished, and she could tell that he was acting a lot calmer than he really felt, but she appreciated it all the same. "I'm really proud of you for telling me, I can't imagine that was easy. I'll admit, I'm... I'm out of my depth here, tesoro. I'm not gonna pretend to understand what you're going through. What, uh, what can we do to fight this?" 

"I don't know," Eleanora replied honestly. "I just- I needed to tell you. I think I need to work on making exercise a priority again. I know it helps... and not just with the food shit, it helps me release a lot of the anxiety surrounding it and when I don't, it builds up. It's just... it's hard to make it a priority with study, and I know it doesn't take that much time out of the day - at least, it doesn't have to. It's just... it can be hard to get out of that headspace, that I can't afford to spare even half an hour, when I'm stressed about assignments." 

Tony nodded and thought for a moment, crease between his eyebrows deepening. "D'you think it's becoming too much? Do you wanna take a break?" 

"I really don't. I know it sounds stupid after everything I just said, but..." she struggled for a moment, trying to find the right words. "I've- I've never had a great self-esteem and I don't ever remember actually liking myself, certainly not my appearance. But I got good grades and I was smart and so, despite everything, my intelligence was something I actually did like... at times it was the only thing I valued about myself." She paused at Tony's stricken expression and cleared her throat. "And- yeah, uni stresses me out, but I'm- I'm good at what I do, and it reminds me of what I'm capable of and what's actually important to me. I mean, I know that the value of a person doesn't come from skills or intelligence, it comes from kindness and- and compassion, but... it's nice to feel proud of something like that. "

"Yeah, that makes perfect sense. I never considered what good studying would be doing." 

"Well, considering how often I'm complaining about it, I would've been surprised if you had," Eleanora said with a wet laugh, making him let out a weak huff of amusement. She shifted to lean tiredly into his side and his hand wrapped around her to run his fingers up and down her arm. 

"How about we get some sleep? We can talk more about this in the morning." 

She nodded and let Tony gently lay her down with him, pulling her into his chest. "Do you realise how far you've come? There was a time it was so bad that you ended up in hospital and you'd been so adamant on not revealing anything that you straight up avoided me. Now, here you are, recognising that you feel vulnerable and telling me about it. I'm so fuckin' proud of you."