Half of me is YOU

Ignorance is Bliss

Reluctantly I trudge my feet towards the malevolent- looking forest. I was new to Lupine town.

I lived with my grandparents and brother, I never knew my parents and had to grow up instead with a materialized picture in my head, it was something that had always been a sensitive subject, something I could never really confide in someone since my brother knew my parents (he was 3 years older). It was painful to have a vague and skeptical view of my own parents, only knowing what others told me and whispers of conversations between cousins and all other family members you're forced to associate with.

It was even worse that my birth had been the mother's murderer. Shortly after her death my father committed suicide.

 gran said his "other half" dying and the sudden responcibilities of a young child as an only parent became 'too much' much for my father.

Sometime I felt like being 'too much' was grans kind way of saying I was a burden.

A sensitive subject...

After my fathers death I initially lived my aunt for five years- until i was 8 and my brother 11. During this period, i rember life was great. We lived in a 3 bedroom house and I had my own room and too many toys to count. Aunt Justine was caring and easily lovable the only possible downside was that aunt Justine was always busy. That didn't matter to me though because I always had my brother (Darren) to play with.my lifestly was heavenly compared to my next accomodation.

After those eight years however aunt Jackie got a huge job offer and went to America. After that i went to live with my renowned cousins. I wasn't sure why i'd lived wih them because they certainly didn't want me, nowadays I think it was all for show.

At firt sight I realised living with them was not going to be the same as living with aunt Jackie. 

Now I was sharing a cuboard of a room between there 2 daughters. Darren had his own room and hardly got to ever see him because as my uncle had stated he didnt want us girls to make him 'soft'.

 I remember at first the whole familie was smiles and hugs but the dirty truth hidden between the stained yellow walls all came into light after a week of living there. I remeber distinctly it was a sunday and me and the two girls (who for the life of me i can't remeber theri names) were playing a game with dolls when i heard shouting and bangs comming from the living room.

I rember opening the door... and through the tiny crack I remeber seeing their father punching Darren, I couldnt see my brotehrs face and I think it was best I didn't. Their mother whispered for him to stop but it was as if he were a bull and she the red cloack. 

He came charging and their mother stared wide eyed at me as he chocked her. Tears matted her hair and her usualy perfect housewife persona was destroyed.

I rember running back to  the living room stenched of beer, burnt chips and everythin else disgusting in the world as the two girls continued playing robbotically with their dolls as if this were a daily occurence.

I rember feeling nausea from the odur and the horrific noises next door. 

Two days later, when calling aunt Jackie I gave her a detailed explanation of the night two days before and this was when i went to live with my grandparnts...

When i was younger i hated it and when I first met my grandparents to live with them gran had joked me and Darren were like amazon packages, flown from all over the world to come right to their doorstep. 

The only problem was sometimes i felt like an amazon product that had things wrong with it but you just accepted those faults becuase it had been cheap anyway... *

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*(me when i'm shopping on shein)