Prologue
Nandito ako sa labas ng bahay,hinihintay ang pagtila ng ulan,pero sana hindi na ito titila pa. I'm enjoying it. Ngayon lang ulit ako nakaligo ng ulan,i miss rain. I miss playing in the rain,i miss how they heal my pains.
Hindi ko aakalain na babalik pala ako sa panahon na wala akong choice kapag nasasaktan kundi ang maligo ng ulan,ang magsusulat ng diary,ang magsulat ng kwento tungkol sa buhay ko at tungkol sa imahinasyon ko.
Simula kase nung nagdalaga na ako ay nag-iba na ang lahat,hindi na ako nagsusulat ng mga kwento tungkol sa buhay ko,hindi na ako gumagawa ng diary. Lagi ko nalang inaatupag ang
pag-aaral at ang mga plano ko kapag ako ay malaki na,este kapag ako ay makakapagtapos na ng pag-aaral.
Minsan kinukumbinsi ko ang sarili kong magsulat ng kwento tungkol sa buhay ko ulit pero hindi ko magawa,pero ngayong nandito na ako sa puntong gusto kong bumalik sa nakaraang gawi ko at ito,sisimulan ko ngayon.
Sisimulan ko sa bago kung buhay,sa gusto kong bagong buhay.
Mag-aaral ako na malayo sa kina mommy at daddy dahil mas nakakabuti raw ito sa akin,para matuto ako. Hindi ko alam kung anong ibig nilang sabihin pero ang alam ko lang ay ayaw nila akong makasama,ayaw nila akong makita. Gusto nilang mawala ako,and damn! I want to die too,i want to drive my self to hell,and burn like a useless thing. To fly like a dye leaves. To broke into pieces and throw in the garbage bin like a piece of paper. I want to fade like an ash blow by the wind,i want to fade like a colors a colors that fade when they are old.
But,how can i do that?i can't be a dye leaf,a piece of paper,im also not a color to fade when it comes old.
I want to kill my self and i don't need to worry about the fire in hell that waiting for me,but,there's a word that stock on my head,always stock on my head.
’It's either i like to gone and reason my pains,and fade like a bubbles to be happy and will not feel the pains again that i feel right now. Or i will stay and fight the pains inside me until i success and until the time comes that i will leave this hell.
The choices always stock in my head.
The first choice is to ’kill my self to be happy and will free of pains.Or..
..will stay in the hell that full of pains and fight it until i success and not to feel that again.’
My mind always choose the first choice,but at the back of it chooses the second one.
But i have no reasons to stay in this world,because i was just a trash and no one will see me and also no one will keep me and never let me feel that im not a trash,and never let me feel that im not a trash because im a girl,a girl with a dream.
I hope and i wish that someday i'll find someone that who'll care to me and love me. Until we die,until i die. Until my last breath.
Until i fade to this hell.
