𝐈𝐧 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐄𝐲𝐞𝐬 • 𝐉𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐚𝐧𝐠

IV. Atelophobia

(n.) the fear of imperfection or not being good enough; an extreme fear of failing to achieve perfection in any of ones actions, ideas or beliefs

Yeosang was screaming internally at himself on the pavement for god knows how long when thankfully two voices sounded from the house.

Yeosang immediately stood up straight, put on his best smile and turned to face Mingi and his boyfriend Hongjoong and asked them for a lift home.

They were more than happy to give him a lift.

His ass was sore, but he didn't want to let either boy see his pain, so he held strong and told them how he had had a great time at the party and how he was looking forward to the new year. Neither statement was true. Not anymore.

When Yeosang had gotten home he had hopped straight into the shower and began to cry again as the water hit his raw skin. He had to clean himself though, he didn't want his butt to get infected.

Yeosang blamed himself for what happened and for Wooyoung leaving.

Yeosang believed that maybe if he had spoken up sooner than the whole event would never have happened in the first place. Maybe they would have talked about their feelings instead and started dating just like Yeosang had always dreamed, leaving such an important life goal to happen later when the time was right.

If he hadn't have flinched when Wooyoung had asked if he was ok, and instead embraced the blonde then maybe he would have stayed, maybe then Yeosang wouldn't have felt so alone in his own skin that suddenly felt so foreign.

Yeosang's tears didn't stop as he hopped into bed, the pain in his ass and the hurt in his heart only reinforcing why he should never let his guard down even for those he cares about, and that hurt would be the reason why he would never let his guard down ever again.

Yeosang had cried and hated himself pretty much every day for the 2 weeks. He had to put on a brave face outside of his bedroom though, he didn't want his mother to worry, but every time he was alone and saw his reflection in the mirror he felt shame.

Wooyoung hadn't left him any messages, to check in, to see how he was doing, even just to say hi. They had done something so momentous together yet Wooyoung was giving him radio silence. His best friend who used to text him almost every hour was suddenly gone just like ghost.

Did Wooyoung even care that they were just ending? What did their friendship even mean anymore?

Yeosang missed Wooyoung but their friendship was literally shattering before his eyes and Yeosang had no idea how to repair it. How was he supposed to even approach Wooyoung if he were to go see him?

Yeosang was left with an ever pressing thought that what was happening was all his fault. It was his fault that Wooyoung left. It was his fault that Wooyoung hadn't called. It was his fault that their friendship was ending right before his eyes. He should have embraced Wooyoung at the end or not let what they did happen in the first place until they'd settled their feelings.

It was a week before campus move in when Yeosang's thoughts had gotten too loud for his own mind. A letter had come in the mail reminding him that his course was about to commence and that move in day was coming up. All that was fine and well until he'd read the bottom of the letter the section the served to remind him who he would be rooming with:

Jung Wooyoung

Yeosang was upset and mad and he hadn't hesitated to storm into the backyard and dive into the cold water of his backyard swimming pool.

It wasn't the first time he had done this, sometimes he just needed to be alone, no noise, just himself, his thoughts, being under water gave him clarity, it soothed his mind and soul.

His craving for this peacefulness is what led him to choose to study marine science, Yeosang would do anything just to be able to be near and in water, to feel freedom and release as water swallowed him whole.

On that day Yeosang wanted to drown his thoughts more than ever. He felt worthless, pathetic, used and unworthy of love and care. He didn't think he was worthy of friendship anymore.

As Yeosang let his body sink to the pools floor, hugging his legs to his chest, he felt himself calm down, and the hateful words he was calling himself no longer seemed appropriate.

A part of Yeosang still wanted to believe it was his fault that Wooyoung left, but the water was giving him clarity just like he had hoped and Yeosang began to realise that Yes, even though it was his own fault for not speaking up sooner, and that it was his own choice to flinch away at the end, it was still Wooyoung's decision to walk away, to ignore him.

It was Wooyoung who hadn't tried to salvage whatever friendship they may have had left. Yeosang had called and messaged, but it was Wooyoung's choice to not reply back and let their friendship end like a clam slamming closed.

It hurt Yeosang so bad at the thought of letting Wooyoung go, but that's exactly what he had done when he had surfaced from the water, gasping for air.

He had to in order to move on.

Yeosang left his life with Wooyoung at the bottom of the pool, accepting that both parties involved had made mistakes, and now he was just going to have to live with them. The love he had felt and harboured washing away.

It was kind of shocking at how willing Yeosang was willing to let Wooyoung go. Wooyoung could have been his forever, but he wasn't and Yeosang was dealing with that fact.

Yeosang wanted someone in his life that would stay, not leave and even though Wooyoung had been the most important person in his life, the boy he thought he could entrust his heart, he wasn't. Wooyoung had broken that trust the moment he had walked away.

But now as Yeosang finally stood outside his dorm room gripping the handle of his suitcase he wasn't so sure on his confidence and strength to let go. How was it that he was willing to let Wooyoung go just like that?

All Yeosang's feelings crashed back into him, the pain, the regret, the hurt, but most importantly the love he had felt.

Yeosang thought he was willing to move on but now he wasn't sure. He didn't know what he wanted. Friendship? Love? Nothing? Everything?

Yeosang's heart sped up, increasing the sickening feeling he already felt.

He clenched his fist, his nails biting into his skin, he took a deep breath and then typed in the code he had been given to un-lock the door to what could either become his future or a horrible reminder of his mistakes in the past.

Only the push of the door would tell.

~ 🌊 ~