A letter to remember

You were good to me

(Please listen to jeremy zucker song "you were good to me" feat chelsea cutler)

"Lyin' isn't better than silence"

"Okay lang ako.."
"Keribels lang.."

Funny 'no.? We can say that sentences without hesitation. Yes i do look fine but deep down, i'm not but i'm trying. There's always a time when i cried myself to sleep, wondering what way could help me.. to lessen the pain i've been feeling. Until now, i'm afraid that anytime i'll explode.

I remember that night when i almost died from crying i had no one to talk to. I'm frustrated because i can't express or scream what's inside my head. I shutdown all of my system for the mean time. I was distant and cold, but desperate for some care and understanding.

I have so many words inside my head, i want to tell them that i'm not fine.. that i'm always crying. Yes, i do posts some funny memes to distract my brain from thinking too much. People will never know what emotions do i have when i'm liking a post or sharing. People won't understand that, the feelings, the emotions i have.

I lied about being fine..
I lied about everything..
All along i've been hiding my true feelings.

I want to tell them that i'm in pain.
I want to tell them that i'm struggling.

I hear them laughing but i'm in silent.
All alone in this dark room crying.

The cause of pain was everything from finding my true self. I am locked up here in my own world not wanting to go out. My heart is also broken because of people who hurted me.

"Leavin' isn't better than tryin"

"Kailangan kong manahimik nalang.."
"Kailangan kong intindihin lahat ng bagay-bagay.."

Yes.. i, myself left that place where i was chasing people that don't want to be chase. I did tried a lot of times convincing them to believe me.. or just this once hear me without judging any of my feelings. No, this is not about her.. it's about my life now everything are going downhill. Actually I see her now happier than before which made me think that i guess she made a right choice of leaving. Someone asked me "do you still love her..?" That made me think twice. But I know that from the bottom of my heart i do love her still despite of all misunderstanding. I don't know if her answer is same as mine.

I do think sometimes that what if..? I did those things before, but i grew tired of thinking those possibilities that will never work.

I want to be selfish.
I want once in my life control things.
I want to keep everything to me.

But in the end i know that's not a good thing, it's toxic and immature. I refrain myself from doing so, i have to let those things go even if..will break my heart. No one influences me to ignore those things around me, i just realized that i need to understand the important little pieces.

If you're one of my friend reading this now? And i'm not talking to you, you must know that i'm in the middle of nowhere. Please give me time .. and i'll come back.

If you're one of those people who hurted me, you must know that i can't stay mad at you. I do believe that you did..what you must did.. because you have a reasons and i'm fine with that. Just give me a little time to adjust, i'm having a trouble accepting everything at once. It is just me, so please give me time.

(I wrote this not to grab attention but to express what's inside my head and my heart. I've been storing it for a long time.)