If Only

8

Jungkook was staring at the carpeted floor as Jin kept talking. He remembered the fight. Vividly. The words they said to each other. He had gone back after cooling off in the park and apologized to Joon for hitting him and RM just gave him a tight hug. He held onto Joon for dear life and sobbed on the elders shoulder till there were no tears left to cry. They had a conversation about everything that's been going on since Jin left. Namjoon was so understanding and even told him it was alright. Later that evening, he had a group meeting and informed the band that he would be enlisting at the end of the month. Although Tae and Jimin were shocked, they all understood his plight. That night, he had a chat with Suga and the old man gave him words to think on throughout his time as a marine.

"I desperately wanted to reach out to you but I didn't know which base you were in. When I asked the guys, none of them would tell me where you'd gone. Then the letters stopped. I went a whole year with no correspondence with any of you. All I had were my thoughts and my memories. And yours were the ones I cherished the most. There was a time, I think you were 18 or something. You had changed the color of your hair and it was this lilac shade. I remember looking at you posing for the photoshoot and thinking to myself, Kookie has grown up. He's no longer the boy who used to shy away and hide. I found myself staring and my heart beat differently. This was the first time I subconsciously knew I might like you more that how a person likes their brother. So going off with the subconscious, I was always gravitating towards you. Always in your space. And when you turned 20, I felt our relationship shift. You were now an adult completely. I remembered that trip we went to and we were all over each other that even the guys had to get us to behave. I knew I loved you. But I knew we couldn't be possible. Not with the age gap and the cameras all around us. And so I pulled back. But you took the wheel. It was confusing to me but I played it off. I thought you were just being nice to me like we had been before. I didn't think you'd love me back the way that I did you. So when I finished my time and went home, it came as a shock to me to find an email from Yoongi with links and attachments. He had said to look at the pictures and listen to the songs. The attachments were pictures of us throughout the years. And the songs were yours and mine. I listened to the first one and tears rolled down my eyes in pain. It was how you wanted me to look at you. To see you. It pained me to know how I much I hurt you by thinking of you as just a friend. The rest of the songs were group songs but Yoongi had said to listen to the underlying meaning of them. The cover of If You was also included and as I listened to it, I felt how I broke your heart. I felt your emotions and I remember crying the whole day with the song on loop. The next day I listened to the last song you did before enlisting and it gave me hope. Hope that you may still have feelings for me. Hope that we can go back to how we were. Hope that I can still be with you. And so I waited. I waited for you to finish your term and I would reach out. And you did but then you went into hiding. Rumors said that you went back home for a few months to stay with your family. I didn't want to impose so I stayed away. Then the next thing I see, is you on TV promoting your new music. Overnight sensation. You became a star again and it became even harder to reach you. Six or seven months later, I heard the gang were all out so I reached out to Yoongi and we met. We had a great time and he said he'll try and get you to call me. He still had his contract at BigHit so he would be seeing you often. And so I waited. I never thought I was a patient man but I waited for you Kookie. When I got your number finally, it took me three days to gather courage to talk to you. I didn't know how you felt about me. I didn't know if you'd started seeing someone else. I didn't know if you even wanted to see me. So it took me by surprise when you agreed to meet me today."