mike wheeler's diary, 1984

day 1

dear diary,

i'm so glad we got will back i just, i don't know. eleven kind of made me feel complete i guess? it's weird, to think i really kissed her, i had my first kiss with such an extraordinary girl, but i don't know, i miss her.

i feel stupid, i only knew her for what, a week or two? i was rude to her, i messed up so bad, i wish she didn't leave us, i wish i couldn't have been the one to do it. but of course i couldn't, i'm not a cool person with superpowers, even though that sounds so stupid, she was just so different, different in such a good way, of course.

i just, really miss her.

but anyways, the party is back together, we're having fun, but i know they don't like me right now because i'm so out of it, i guess.

writing this was so stupid.

i guess it'll make me feel better?

i seem like such a bitch, will just went through hell and here i am complaining about my small problems that don't deserve attention, i'm such a dick.

i really need to stop doing that, put the spotlight on myself. i don't want to, but i know the best way to stop doing that is to distance myself, which i'm already doing.

but i'm just so sick of not getting asked if i'm okay, i'm sick of asking other people if they're okay, i'm just so sick of it all.

i wish i wasn't the reason eleven was taken away from all of us, i wish i didn't like her, sometimes i wish i never kissed her, but that kiss, it's something to hold onto for me.

sometimes, i can still hear her words, faded a bit. i can still hear her soft voice trembling goodbye mike, i hate it, i hate it so much. sometimes i just wish i would've went with el, and i sound so fucking overdramatic, this is so overdramatic, i got my best friend back, that's all i wanted.

i'm so just, ungrateful. i'm the one living. eleven's life was taken, but it's all my fault. i don't want to believe things are getting better, i have everything i wished for, right? i wanted to do whatever it would take to get my best friend back, right?

i'm just such a bitch.