mike wheeler's diary, 1984

day 2

dear diary,

today i sorta feel better. i guess. o haven't felt a bit happy in a while, or what feels like a while. i was happy when i was in the hospital with will. i've been feeling numb. me and lucas talked about el today, which is the first time we've mentioned her name since that night at the school.

i told him i knew she wasn't gone, and i could feel it. and lucas said he believed me. he said no matter what he would be there for me.

i'm glad i have friends that actually care about me, even though i'm being so distant. and i'm so glad they haven't left me. but i need to be there for will, too.

he's started going to therapy, and he told me things are getting somewhat better? he said that he'll never get over it which is really understandable.

i think that i should really start maybe ignoring my problems. it sounds like a good idea, i guess. i don't know, maybe i'm overreacting and shouldn't be paying attention to myself so much.

i need to pay attention to will, lucas might be going through some things, were only 13, i'm don't know why i'm feeling such a strong sadness.

i know my friends call me "emo mike" oh they think they hide it so well. i think it's kind of funny, but i just wish i wasn't "emo".

it's stupid to think i'm being so "sad" i'm literally thirteen. i shouldn't feel things. i should pay attention while i'm playing dnd, not stare somewhere and start thinking, and get a deep, empty, sinking feeling that reminds me nothing will get better.

it's not like i'm clinically depressed or some shit, i'm just in a down area. i'll get over it, i wasn't "in love" it was a crush. not the love of my life, i didn't lose my one and only.

but sometimes i wonder if she was still here, would i fall in love with her? but i'm thirteen, i'm too young for love. it's what i've been told all of my life.

i can't love someone, i'm too young. even if you could love someone at thirteen, i knew her for two weeks maybe? at the most?

anyways, that's my annoying daily rant. i'm lucky no one can see this, i would get bullied so hard, even by like my friends.

okay, bye.