A Loss For Words

(not) Leave

Other days are not so good days. Like today.

A year later, she suddenly forgets that it's a year later.

That is, she starts talking about something that happened a year ago as if it had happened yesterday.

"That concert last night was amazing," she says, and he freezes.

"What concert?" he asks slowly. "What was the band?"

She looks at him strangely. "Tame Impala," she says slowly. "How could you not remember?"

His heart starts pounding faster and faster as he tries to remember what the doctors told him to do if this happened.

Play along.

He closes his eyes for a second, takes a breath, and then grins at her. "Yeah, that concert was pretty kickass. And I can't believe how close we were to the stage."

"I wish we could've—" she stops suddenly, and blinks at him.

"Did I just say the concert was yesterday?" she asks, her voice frantic.

He nods. "Yeah."

She stands up from where she had been sitting across the room and sits down next to him on the couch. "It's getting worse," she whispers. "Isn't it?"

"I think so," he says calmly, even though he feels like he's about to collapse. "We should go to the doctor."

"For what?" she asks bitterly. "They can't do anything, you can't do anything, and I can't do anything. My brain is turning to shit."

Mood swings are also a symptom.

"Your brain isn't shit," he says. "Mia—"

"Why are you even here?" she says angrily, her voice rising. "Why do you love me? I'm nothing like I once was, I'm not even Mia anymore, why are you here? I'm nothing but a fucking burden on your life. You quit everything you ever loved for me, and for what? I'm a shell of who I was, I can't remember how to use the—the—the—"

She buries her head in her hands and lets out a muffled scream. "I can't even fucking remember what I don't remember," she yells. "Why are you here?"

He stares at her.

She lowers her hands and looks up at him.

"Why are you here, James?" she whispers, and her face crumples as she lets out a sob. "Why are you here?" She repeats over and over again through her tears and he doesn't know what to say. So instead he wraps his arms around her tightly and she buries her face in his neck. "Why are you here?" she says again, and he doesn't answer. He rubs her back slowly and whispers "it's okay, it's okay, Mia," but it's not helping.

She pulls back all of a sudden and stares at him, her eyes full of angry tears. "You should leave," she says. "You should leave because I'm ruining your entire life, do you see that, James? I'm the reason you're not—not—not—" her expression goes blank again and he lets out a breath. She recovers quickly. "You're not doing what you love."

She pounds her fist against his chest. "Leave," she yells.

Her other fist. "Why won't you leave?"

She hits him, over and over again, yelling, tears streaming down her face, and he lets her, he lets her, because he knows she needs to. Finally she stops, and leans forward in exhaustion and he immediately wraps his arms tightly around her. "Shhh, you're okay," he whispers. "You're okay, Mia. I'm not going anywhere."

"Why not?" she chokes out. "Why not?"

"Because I love you. And you're not a shell. You're Mia, you'll always be Mia, even if you don't remember some stuff. And we're partners. Always. Do you remember that?" He pauses, presses his lips to her forehead.

He feels her nod. "I remember," she whispers. "Always."

He closes his eyes. "You didn't ruin my life. You are my life."

She starts crying again and he tries, he tries so hard to say strong but he can't, he can't. There are silent tears streaming down his face and he doesn't want her to see but she tilts her head back and stares at him. "James," she whispers, tracing her fingertips over his wet cheeks. "James, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, James, so so sorry."

"I love you," he whispers shakily. "I love you so so so much, Mia, please don't ever forget that, please." He buries his face in her neck and lets himself break down because he can handle a lot but he can't handle this, he can't handle her blaming herself for the way his life has turned out. Because it's killing him that it's killing her and he needs her to know that no matter what, he's never looked back or regretted anything about being with her or wished for anyone but her.

"There's nothing you could do to get me to leave," he says, trying to calm his voice. "We're James and Mia, okay? That's it. There's nowhere else I'd rather be."

His vision is blurry and his eyes sting and his stomach is in knots but it all disappears when she presses her lips softly to his. He kisses her back almost desperately, trying to make her see that he loves her for everything she is and is not, for everything she has ever been, for all the same reasons he did when he first fell in love with her.

And for who she will become.