A Loss For Words

(not) Aria

Complete sentences are hard now, a year later.

They're taking a walk in the park, his hand firmly enclosed around hers, and they stop at a bench to watch the sunset.

He watches two kids playing near them, a little blonde girl and a dark haired boy, and he grins when the girl playfully shoves the boy, their laughter ringing through the air.

He turns to look at Mia. "I think they're us," he says teasingly. "She's already got him whipped."

Mia smiles but it doesn't reach her eyes and he notices.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

She shakes her head. "Nothing."

He frowns. "Come on, tell me."

She furrows her brow like she does when she's trying to form a sentence in her head and he waits patiently. "Can't have...kids," she manages. "I can't give you kids."

His eyes widen. "Mia, no, you can't do that to yourself, okay?"

Her eyes start to fill with tears and he panics. They've never once talked about this before and while it has crossed his mind, he's never really dwelled on it. Their situation is what it is and he's come to accept it for everything it is and is not.

"You'd be...a...you'd be...a—a—" she pauses and he waits. "A good dad."

"Thanks," he whispers, and she gives him a small smile.

And all of a sudden he doesn't want to avoid it any more, he wants to think about the what ifs and alternate universes and he knows it's going to hurt but he just wants to let it out.

"Girl or boy?" he asks, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her close.

"Girl," she says.

He nods. "Definitely. We'd probably name her something musical and cliché, like Melody or Aria or Harmony or something."

"Aria," she whispers, a smile spreading across her face.

"James and Mia and Aria," he says, laughing a little. "She'd be smarter than me by the time she learned to talk, I bet. And she'd have your eyes and I'd never be able to say no and you'd get mad at me for spoiling her."

She laughs, a light, tinkling sound that he hasn't heard in a while.

His grin gets wider. "And you'd teach her piano but she'd secretly like guitar more and she'd have the most amazing voice."

"Brunette," she adds.

He raises an eyebrow. "Yeah? Yeah, she'd be brunette and have wavy hair and she'd be tiny like you. And maybe by then we'd take her on tour, but only in the summer."

She rolls her eyes because of course he'd want to take a kid on tour with them. "Hey, it'd be fun!" he protests.

She leans into him a little more, resting her cheek on his chest. He rubs slow circles into her arm. "Love you," she says quietly. "And Aria."

His throat feels tight as he rests his chin on her head and he closes his eyes, his mind racing with images of their little family that will never be. "You know I don't blame you or resent you or anything, right?" he whispers. "I knew from the start that this is how it was going to be."

She nods against his chin. "After I'm gone?" she asks, and his eyes fly open.

"There is nothing after you're gone," he says firmly. "Nothing. I can't—" he cuts himself off, unwilling and unable to even imagine moving on from her.

"Be...happy," she insists. "After."

He wants to tell her that the time he has with her is enough to keep him going for his entire life, that he will be happy even if he's not with anyone, that she has nothing to worry about.

But he can't bring himself to say any of that, even if it might eventually be true.

"How?" he whispers.