I wear BROKEN like a crown

15- Depressed, Obsessed

Hunter allowed me to go to my room without saying a word, sadness now seeming to be a permanent fixture on his normally carefree face.

But I felt nothing as I walked away. Since the walk home, numbness spread from my head to my feet- easing the buzzing in my head and the sharp pain that shot through my legs with every step I took.

Exhaustion settles in my bones as I flopped over onto my bed, my fit catching up to me. Why did I react like that today? All of a sudden? And then that breakdown...

I'm not as put together as I thought. I turn to my side, rubbing my wrists as I recall the stinging feeling that physical contact with Ms. Winnie and Jenny induced.

Eventually, the underside of my wrist turned red and I looked at it apathetically. It hardly compared to the ants that had crawled under my skin before. I continued rubbing at them, not noticing I had begun scratching, getting lost in my thinking.

Or maybe I wasn't thinking. I don't remember. Perhaps I blanked, completely spaced out. Coming back to it, the sky is considerably darker and the TV is blaring, obviously way too loud if I can hear it from upstairs.

I blinked, trying to fully process the physical world, before getting up. My back aches and my legs shakes slightly from being in the same position for too long. I go to stretch before I winced at the stretch of my wrist. I startle when I see the state of my right wrist, dried blood on the ragged scratches that my nails caused. I hadn't even noticed.

However, the sting only flares when I put pressure on it. I play with the feeling, digging my finger in and around the flesh wound, almost entranced at the sensation. It's almost enough to drown out the headache starting back up. 

One pain erases another. The voice in my head whispered. Harder.

I complied, not even questioning it. This pain almost felt good.

He could never hurt you like this. The voice is like honey, but it clogs my throat, the sweetness suffocating and overwhelming..

Because he did.

Suddenly, the small cut wasn't enough. Maybe it'd be better if I did more, just a little bit more. Nothing too bad, it'd take a day to heal, just a little bit more, anything to forget.

I looked around frantically, needing to sate the urge immediately before I could panic. My pencil sharpener catches my eye and I lunge for it, snapping it open and slicing the skin right over the already there injury. In my vigor, it goes deeper than I intended and I immediately hissed, dropping it and cradling my wrist to my chest.

I feel the blood soak through my shirt and that's why I started to cry. Not because I just fricking cut myself, or that it hurt. I liked this damn sweater, and now there is blood on it. The inaudible sobs rip through me, my entire body shaking as I slowly drop to the floor. Hunter is knocking at my door right away, asking if he can come in.

"No!" I screamed, voice wobbling with my tears. I cleared my throat and tried again. "Hunter, leave me be. I- I need this time alone."

When he walked away, I couldn't even find it in me to continue mourning my shirt. I felt stupid for breaking down over a small thing and finally gather the courage to look at the cut on my wrist. It was still bleeding, and didnt look good.

I maneuvered my way out of the already bloody shirt, deciding to just use it to wrap my hand, that now felt like it was pulsing. But now I couldn't feel the headache, so it'sfine I guess.

I put on a tank top, examining some still healing bruises on my back and shoulders. Looking at them now, I felt numb, unfeeling. Two days ago, that would've lead me into a full sensory flashback.

He could never hurt you like this. The voice repeated smugly. More.

"Not now." I replied aloud. "It's not good."

Neither is humanity, dear. Look at you. The voice sneered before I could feel the silence. I shook my head. I'm going insane. 

I peeked out of the room, to make sure Hunter wasn't hanging around. That's when I realized the TV was blaring downstairs. I stepped to the top of the staircase and from the angle saw Hunter curled up in a ball on the far corner of the couch. I couldn't see his face but his hands were clearly covered over his ears, head tucked by his knees.

If it's too loud, why wouldn't he just turn it down? I sighed and turned away, making my way to the bathroom. I had to right to judge. I just left him be- if he saw my hand, he'd just freak.

5 minutes later

I closed the door behind me, looking passively at the wound now that it's cleaned. It isn't that bad, but I needed a lot of band aids so that the blood wouldn't seep through the bandage I found under the sink. 

I'd get questions but I'd just think of a lie. It'd eventually be forgotten and I'd move on. It's not like it'd happen again.

Are you sure? The voice is barely a murmur in the far back of my head but I quickly shook it off. 

It was merely a moment of weakness. I was just sad, desperate for distraction.

"That's all it was, Thee." I said sternly to my reflection. "You. Are. Not. Weak."

I wouldnt be too sure.

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Szia! Thanks for reading! I know this chapter can be difficult for those who decided to read despite the trigger warning but I'll soothe your souls with a promise of a happy= ish ending.

-Author