New Perspective

"Cupid"

TW // mentions of self harm, suicidal thoughts, and self deprecating thoughts please read at your own risk

Zak's pov:
I blankly stare at my editing software, unable to focus, feeling those pitch black thoughts wash over me again. It always gets worse at night. I put my hand up to my face, it's wet, I don't remember starting to cry but here we are. I sit and sulk thinking about how he'll never like me. I mean who could blame him, he's well perfectly imperfect and I'm just the latter. I can't get over him. There ain't nobody like you. He could never love someone like me. I'm so annoying, always trolling and laughing too loud, he's never like that. Yet I still can't help but hope. He's the only one on my mind. But the hope I have drowns in my own self deprecation. My mind starts to wander to a not so good place. Darryl always said I could call if I ever needed anything, maybe I should talk to him to get these thoughts off my mind. He's the only one I call when I'm feeling reckless. I open telegram and scan the screen for his name, I stare at it a moment. Open up your heart for a minute. I click his name and wait for him to answer..
But he never did. Shortly after I receive a message from him

Message from Bad:
Hey sorry skep I can't talk right now but I can call you back in about an hour >_>

I know he's a busy person and that his message shouldn't affect me like this but I still can't help but feel my heart ache. I leave him on read as I slowly drag myself to my bed not even bothering to turn off my pc. As I lay on my back and stare at the ceiling my vision becomes blurry as my tears start again. My chest feels heavy and broken. He always makes me feel better and now that I really need him he's not there. My wrists begin to itch as I think about hurting myself. But I'm not motivated enough to pull myself out of bed. It's kinda sad that that's the only reason I'm not hurting myself. My mind begins racing with reasons to get up and do it. "No one will miss you Zak.." "they're all just pretending to be your friend." "Your fans don't actually care about you." I feel my breathing start to quicken as my body starts shaking. I hate myself. This is why he'll never love me. I'm so far beyond broken. I feel my heart rate pick up. My room gets dark and I hear a ringing in my ears. I start rocking back and forth in an attempt to calm myself down. Music usually helps me so I begin to shakily sing to myself. Cupid got us fucked up
Drawing hearts on my skin... I lie to myself all the time, telling myself that I'll be fine. Maybe if I convince myself I am, I will be. Sometimes kids say the dumbest things But if you're down, so am I, I can't lie. I feel angry at myself for being this way. Why couldn't I be normal. Why do I have to be so stupid. I feel the urge to scream. What do you want from me? What do you want from me? I'll give it to you, you just gotta ask. My voice cracks as my self loathing is replaced with rage at myself. I feel empty, hollow. Before I realize it my legs take control and walk me over to my closet. I spot a black shoebox, I open and see the beautiful stainless steel that my wrist has been craving. This will make me feel better. Soon I begin slicing, 1, 2, 3... 12, 13. I look down at the crimson cascading down my arm. Satisfied I put the blade back into the box and walk back to my bed. I know I'll probably regret this in the morning and feel guilty about it but that's something for future Zak to deal with. I pick up an old shirt and carefully wrap it around my wrist. My room quickly begins to darken as I fall out of conciseness. And even then, he's the last thing I think about before I fall under. And when we get older And y'all break up someday And this is not a secret Maybe then you'll say you love me back But until then I'll be dreaming about that.

A/N this chapter was really short and v angsty but everyone has to start somewhere right?