New Perspective

"feel something"

TW // Self harm, suicidal thoughts, this one's just all around sad and angsty so be careful.

MegaPVP POV:

My mother had asked me to clean the living room so I was currently dusting. And yes I still do live with my mother even though I'm 18 now.  My sister walks in and starts talking about this TikTok she thought was funny. I was only half listening until I heard "tattoo of a cutting board so they could self harm on the tattoo." I was in a state of shock, I didn't know what to say, how could she find that funny? I decided to speak up "I don't think that's very funny." I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. "Dude chill it's just a joke" my sister said. I weighed my options. Just forget about this and go on living like this, or be bold and show them why I don't think it's funny and hopefully get some help. I decided that maybe this could be a way for me to get the help I needed. I lift my shorts up revealing my mutilated thigh. "THIS IS whY I DONT THINK ITS VerY FUNNy!" My voice breaks multiple times during my sentence, tears now freely descend down my face. They just look at me, mouths agape. I go back to dusting, waiting for a response, not wanting to look them in the eyes any longer. My mother finally decides to speak up after what feels like hours. "That's fine, you can do that now, you're an adult." Those words replay through my head and pierce me through my heart. How could a mother say that to her child when they're obviously hurting. I finished dusting and say "I'm gonna go take a shower"

I walked down to the basement and decide to talk to my best friend Jacob aka Zelk, talking to him always helps. I click his contact and click the 'call' button. It rings, one... two... three... four... five... I begin to lose hope in him answering, I'm about to press end when suddenly he picks up. I manage to choke out a small "hi, um I've got a bit of a situation." I explain what happened and soon enough I'm crying again. I tell him that "Y'know being depressed I've always had the thought that nobody cared and that my family would be better off if I were dead, but there's always been a little part of me that thought that those thoughts were irrational and not true, but what happened today proves that little part of me wrong, so so wrong." He stays quiet which makes me nervous but I decide to keep venting to him. "My mum always complains about how much money I cost her, so I always think 'why don't I just kill myself' it'd save my family so much money, because in the long run a funeral would cost less than me being alive. The only problem with that is, what if I fail and I wake up in the hospital, then there'd be more costs for her to cover, I just don't know anymore Jacob." I hear him sniffling. "Why are you sniffling Jacob?" I ask. "I'm not, it's okay." He answers. I know he's lying and he just doesn't want me to feel bad for making him cry, but I do feel bad. "I didn't want to make you upset, I never really thought that me being sad or depressed would make someone else sad, Most people never really cared I guess. I'm sorry, it's gonna be okay." I say while also sniffling. "Why are you telling me it's going to be okay?" Jacob asks. "I don't know I've always been more of a care about others instead of myself type person,"

We talk for about thirty minutes before Jacob says he needs to go but that he'll make sure to text me to make sure I'm alright. I thank him for being such a caring friend. I finally decide to take a shower to calm myself down. I turn on the water and decide to play some music. I sit under the water and just listen.

I come back to reality when I hear a very fitting and familiar song, I start to sing along. 'If I could choose anything I would be good in bed one day' I watch the water droplets race down the tiles as I pull my knees to my chest. 'I keep on writing a sequel to stories I know that are not there' I spot a razor on the edge of the tub, it's calling to me. 'I don't wanna die but I don't wanna live like this' My head starts pounding and my fingertips go numb, my legs start to shake and hear a deafening ringing in my ears. My fingertips graze the razor and I watch it fall into the tub and slide next to me. 'I just wanna feel something, I just wanna feel something really real so that I can really feel like a person again' I grab the razor and it takes control I slowly slice into my thigh hearing my mother's words pierce my thoughts like bullets. I watch as the crimson cascades into the now blushed water. 'Watching my friends break their hearts into two Makes me jealous' a vignette forms around my vision, I feel an overwhelming serene feeling engulf me. I am numbed. 'Can you tell me a secret Can you tell me what's wrong with me I know I should be angry But I can barely feel a fucking thing' My world is spinning and I drop the razor with a thud. I let my depression take over and I dissolve into tears once again, helpless. 'Can you tell me what's wrong with me Can you tell me what's wrong with me'