The archives

Dwight Fairfield: A Story By Any Other Name

Lazar approaches Dwight and slams his desk. "Max didn't work out. He was a weak male I just wanted to crush!" Fear, anxiety, confusion — Dwight feels them all. How is this guy the CEO? More than that... he wanted to crush the employee he's replacing for being... for being... a weak male. Dwight doesn't even know what that means. Weak male? Who talks like that in this day and age? His hands fidget nervously. He swallows a growing lump in his throat. Lazar smashes his desk again. "I need you to be bolder than him, Dwitch. I need you to get the buzz out there that we're the best company in the business". Did he just call me Dwitch? Dwitch? He just called me Dwitch. Dwight's still not sure what he's supposed to be doing at Peak 22. He's a Story-Hook Supervisor. He has no idea what that is. Sounds convoluted and made up. Sounds like bullshit. He took the job because he needs the money and he can't dress up in costumes for birthday parties anymore. Kids can be so cruel. He's supposed to create fake profiles and write positive reviews about Lazar and his company. Lazar gives his desk another thump! "Be a lion, Dwitch! Pounce on the internet! Pounce! Get the word out! Peak 22! We design Story-Hooks for ads that transcend humanity". Dwight has no idea what that means. Lazar leaves a test on his desk and walks away. Dwight stares at the test unsure. Rose, the manager who hired him, approaches him and explains it's an intelligence test. Lazar wants to make sure he's the smartest in his company. Best advice. Flunk it. Dwight smiles. Gotcha.

"Our thing is Story-Hook advertising". Dwight cringes every time he hears Story-Hook. Lazar's trying to be different just to be different. Most advertisements use stories to wrap a message in emotion. Just because you call it a Story-Hook doesn't mean it's new. Doesn't mean it's different. Story-Hook is a term used by high-school English teachers. Rose laughs. "Yes, but Lazar's an idiot and he wants to feel like he created his own theory for his upcoming book". Dwight's eyes go wide. "Book? What book?" Rose laughs absurdly and explains. "An autobiographic book. A guaranteed bestseller highlighting Lazar's new theory on creativity". "But Lazar hasn't done anything yet. It's all smoke and mirrors". Rose laughs and corrects him. "He's done one thing really well... he's burned through millions". Rose changes the subject and tells Dwight he needs to meet Lazar's ghostwriter for an interview. "Make sure to shower praises about our Naked Emperor for his autobiography".

Dwight approaches Rose. She isn't her usually jolly self. Dry tears line her cheek and her eyes are swollen. She tells him Lazar embarrassed her at a meeting when she refused to go along with his jokes at the expense of the sound designer's speech impediment. He humiliated her for not going along with his stuttering impression. Rose sighs and advises Dwight to record all meetings with the Naked Emperor. Not just for legal reasons but for the yearly roast. Dwight raises his eyebrows curiously. "Yearly roast? What yearly roast?" She tells him about a yearly gathering of ex-employees who get together to laugh at Lazar's stupidities. Dwight tilts his head. He's really confused. In his mind Peak 22 just opened its doors. "How long has Peak 22 existed?" Rose calculates on her hands. "Five years". Dwight can't believe his ears. "Five years and Peak 22 has nothing". Rose smirks. "Correction: five years and we almost have Lazar's biography and his theory on creativity".

Dwight showers Lazar with online praise using fake profiles. It's the cosiest job he's ever had. As he prepares to create another false profile he suddenly hears shouts coming from Lazar's office. He freezes as Lazar verbally assaults the Peak 22 lawyer. The lawyer is telling him Story-Hook can't be registered. It's a concept in many high school textbooks. Lazar fires the lawyer on the spot. The lawyer promises he'll sue. Lazar doesn't care. He'll settle. He always settles. It isn't his money, and Dwight's heard he's got his benefactors eating out of the palm of his hands. He's already settled dozens of wrongful dismissals. Rose attempts to calm Lazar down, but he screams at her to mind her business. Dwight wants to help her... but... he's never made so much money doing so little before. He likes making money doing nothing. But... his hands are fidgeting and his palms are getting damp and clammy. Hearing Lazar verbally abuse Rose is difficult to bear. He imagines all kinds of scenarios where he leaps from his desk to help her. Nervousness fills his bladder, and he leaps from his chair and rushes to the bathroom.