The Art of Being Alone (Together)

22 | I Guess I Deserve It

It doesn't take long for me to figure out that the sick to my stomach feeling isn't going to go away, especially not when I'm spending time with Lizzie and Zack. Knowing what I did makes me feel like a phony, and all I want to do is yell the truth and come clean. But I can't. I can't fix this without also potentially wrecking everything.

Gradually, I start spending less and less time with them— it takes me a few days before I even realize what I'm doing, but once I do, it's undeniable: I'm trying to shield myself from the guilt. Trying to distance myself from what I did. It doesn't work that well, since I still eat with them at every meal and they manage to drag me out to crafts night or morning swims now and then, but I keep doing it— because how can I pretend to be their friend when I've acted like the total opposite?

Ethan is a whole other battle. Avoiding him hasn't been easy, since he's usually serving behind the buffet at least once a day. Where I used to get butterflies from seeing him, now I just feel embarrassed. My heart aches over what could have been, but it's obvious I'm not ready for a relationship. How can I be, when I can't even handle friendship? Ethan deserves someone who won't hurt him, and after what I did, I'm not sure if I trust myself.

In the past two weeks, even when I am around Liz and Zack, I've felt more alone than ever. Because this time, I know that's what I deserve.

My portraits are still the best photos I've taken this summer, but it feels too wrong to shoot more. Taking pictures has always been about capturing real life for me. It's about showcasing authenticity and the truths of the world, and lately, the people who occupy it. But how can I ask that of people I lied to? I can't. So I'm back to taking pictures of nature, which leave a lot to be desired. Definitely not the type of pictures I'd want to display at the showcase, which arrives before I know it.

It's the day before the showcase, the last day of camp, and the emotional rollercoaster that has been my life this summer is at an all-time low. And just when I think things can't get any worse, I realize that I can't find my flash drive— the one I've been storing my best pictures on to keep them organized.

It's after breakfast, and I'm basically tearing apart my living area to find it. I empty every drawer and throw my clothes on my bed, dumping my suitcase of the few things that I'd left inside.

I'm in the middle of checking every pocket of every garment when Lizzie walks in, her eyes going wide when she sees the mess I've made. She rushes over, frantic. "What happened? What'd they do?"

"What? Oh, no." I shake my head, realizing she thinks this has something to do with Rita and Mei. "I lost my flash drive. I can't remember where I had it last, and I just... I mean, it's here somewhere," I ramble. Honestly, this whole ordeal isn't surprising. I've been so guilt-ridden since that night in Rita's cabin that I've hardly been able to think straight. I can barely manage to form a coherent thought or hold a conversation, and Lizzie's asked me more than a few times lately if I'm sure I'm okay.

"Are you positive you lost it? You don't think it's revenge?" She doesn't have to be discreet, since the cabin is empty apart from us. My stomach twists at her concern, and I'm reminded how much unnecessary paranoia I've caused her over the past two weeks.

"I'm sure I misplaced it," I say, knowing I can't tell her just how sure I am. "I've just been spacing a lot lately."

"I'll help you look," she offers, chipper as ever. "Zack's finishing up formatting and printing his poems for tomorrow, and I was hoping we could finally hang out anyways— you haven't been ditching me for Ethan, have you?"

I force a smile, because her friendliness is bittersweet. It's warm and familiar, and I don't deserve it at all. I've been avoiding her questions about Ethan because I don't know how to explain what happened. But I guess if I can offer even a smidge of honesty at this point, I shouldn't pass it up. "Hardly. I haven't spoken to him in a while, actually. I think that sort of... fizzled out."