The Plight Of An Angel

Chapter 1 - I am Julian Baker

"When are you gonna be ready to reveal your identity?" Shayne asked me with a hint of frustration in her voice.

'All things are difficult before they are easy.' I am sure I read something like that somewhere. I guess that doesn't apply always. Because if it does, how come this conversation seems to get more difficult over time? The last time we talked about this, she got really upset with me. I wish there is something that I can say to appease her this time. Can we possibly end this conversation without her getting mad and me feeling guilty?

"Hello Anjelo? I am here!" she snapped.

"I am really sorry Shayne... Uhmm... I was actually thinking about how I can say 'never' without making you upset." I apologized.

"Anjelo. Anjelo. Anjelo" Shayne started. I know she's doing that to keep her cool.

"Shayne... Shayne... Shayne" I tried to lighten up the conversation.

I want to say that I am a peace-loving person. I'll give everything just so I can avoid all sorts of confrontation. Maybe that's also why if you look around my office, you'll notice it's mostly white. It has a lot of feathery, soft and angel-inspired accents. In my desk, there's still a Christmas Angel even if it's already late January. She's more white, gold & brown than red & green, her aesthetic fits perfectly in my office, so she's probably not going anywhere soon.

"This is 'Helen' we are talking about this time" She continued.

I didn't know what kind of reply she's expecting. Partly I wanted to say YES, partly I wanted to say NO. Ofcourse I know who Helen is. The problem is whenever I am not sure what to say, I often end up giving an awkward smile.

"Let me ask you then... What's the reason why you wrote that book?" She's now changing her strategy, I guess the smile didn't work.

"Shayne, I feel like you're... uhmm... maybe gonna be bringing up my advocacies as a way to convince me." I somehow got a clue of where she's taking this.

"Why not? Isn't that one of the reasons why you are writing? You want to create change. You want more people to understand gay boys like you! You want to decrease the discrimination!" She exclaimed.

"Shayne..." I pleaded with my sweetest and most apologetic tone.

"No. No. No. Mr. Julian Anjelo Robredo. Don't use your puppy eyes on me. I am not buying it." She finally sat on the angel chair in front of my desk, the one on the right.

At this point I didn't want to say another word anymore. Not because I am getting annoyed with her insistance but because I am afraid I might say something I will eventually regret.

If you are a girl like her, I doubt that you will truly understand what I've been through and the things I wish I never have done in the past. If you're a pretty petite girl. If you're confident of your body and can wear whatever you want. No matter how much you care about me, still I doubt you will truly understand.

"I want to know what's your hesitation! Maybe I can help?" I wanted to believe she honestly cares about me but I don't know... Probably she just wants me to say yes to that interview.

I took a deep breath and put my hands together, laying them on top of my desk. I tried to calm myself while being conscious that she's intently waiting for my answer.

'Anjelo... Think' I continued to calm myself internally while massaging the soft spot between my left thumb and left index finger with my right thumb. The rest of my fingers intertwined with each other.

"Anjelo, what's your fear? Imagine the possiblities. If you accept this invitation and reveal your identity. You can inspire a lot of introvert individuals out there. You can also inspire other gay guys out there who's having a tough time in life. Helen is an LGBT Icon! Helen is already a household name in most countries worldwide. It is also the biggest talkshow in YouChube. Imagine the impact. The positive impact! Don't let your fears hold you back from being able to accomplish all of these great things." She enumerated. I noticed how she stressed the words 'The positive impact' to me. It makes me wonder more if she really would understand my predicament. Probably she wouldn't.