Hard to Escape

Chapter 10

At first it was just a slight headache. I tossed and turned in bed, thinking it was the alcohol. But gradually, I felt that something was off. Unrelenting waves of pain washed over me, accompanied by fragmented images.

It was a narrow, cramped room, the air damp, humid, and so hot and stuffy that my body seemed to recall the uncomfortable feeling of the sticky sweat on my skin. And it also recalled some barely suppressed longing in my heart that seemed to be on the verge of bursting forth. Someone with their finger pointed at me was harshly reprimanding me for something, as I sat, injured, on the ground. Yet when I tried to watch more of this scene, when I wanted to see the face of the person scolding me more clearly, the turbulent waves of memory washing over me dissipated. Just like how, once the hurricane passes, the churning seas once again smooth over into stillness as if the storm had never happened.

Then the scene once again shifted, into the rolling thunder of applause and bright flashes of light, like streaks of lightning. But this image quickly flashed past, and what took its place was a disordered courtyard. In the distance loomed the monstrous figure of a clock tower, its mottled walls painted in a saffron yellow. Yet that bright color failed to brighten its surroundings, and I could hear the sound of suppressed crying, I could feel the pangs of constant hunger, and I could feel the panic of knowing that these raggedy clothes, already insufficient for warmth, couldn't ward off the colder chills of winter. The source of these emotions seemed to be my very own body, and I also felt, above all, a burning desperation to leave this place.

Once these images flickered away, the throbbing pain in my head only worsened. I held my head started to whimper. I knew that these must be my past memories, but they were too convoluted, too painful, and too oppressive. A scattered array of emotions poured over me as the memories flashed in my mind, following no order of time or logic. They all overwhelmed me in a single moment, drowning me.

I remembered a syringe being swiftly injected, the pain of falling down over and over, and someone looking at me with an expectant and prideful look in their eye. Some hated me, others adored me. Then the images and accompanying emotions disappeared, leaving me with a deep loneliness, resentment, and loss.

But my memories seemed to end at this point. I couldn't string them into something that made sense. I couldn't even comprehend what it was that I resented so much. Various faces flashed through my mind, all with different expressions and different features. They seemed to be trying to tell me something. Every face seemed to say, "Do you know who you are?"

Ah yes, who am I? Who really am I? And who really are you guys? But my mind seemed to be empty. No matter how hard I tried to find the answer, it was all futile.

I couldn't remember, I really couldn't remember, and the intense headache that came with my memories hurt so much that I wanted to die. As soon as I tried to recall anything, a deep pain that penetrated me to my very bones with almost a murderous intent eliminated all my other thoughts.

I huddled on the bed, finally unable to endure any longer. I began to scream loudly, "Stop it! Stop it!" The thunderstorm was still raging outside. I took a deep breath, and my pajamas were already soaked through with sweat. I felt like a fish scooped right out of the fryer, in a sorry state and on the brink of death. But my headache and memories showed no mercy. An endless kaleidoscope of images twisted and morphed in my mind at a speed and strength I couldn't withstand. Reality seemed to fold into itself.

I started banging my head against the wall in an attempt to drive out the pain.

As my head smashed into the wall, I finally felt like I returned to Earth again, but my body still didn't feel like my own. I numbly gripped my head and continued to bring my head forwards. Then, my head slammed against something softer than the wall. Above me, I indistinctly heard something shouting my name.