Chasing Joy: And all things that Matter

Chapter Eight-Sabtoage

This can't be true. I am living in some kind of recurring nightmare. I sit through most of the department meeting typing and taking notes as I try to compose myself. Jonah stands up and dismisses the meeting and as people leave and chat I make a panic eye contact with Elle through the open conference room door. My cheeks are blush red at this point of embarrassment and I feel like I can't breathe. I just need to get out of this room. The boss? The fucking boss?! "Joy, can you please stay a moment"? My eyes look slowly over and I see Jonah looking over from the front of the room. I slowly nod, give a look over to Elle that screams 'we'll talk later' and make my way to the front.

Jonah the gentleman he is waits until the room is clear before beginning to speak. This gives me a minute or two to glance at him. His gray sweater is fitting but still the best effort at business casual. His slacks are also fitting, almost too fitting, my eyes trailing up his legs immediately crossing mine before I realize what I am doing. I meet up and meet his eyes. The eyes of the boss. My Boss. The boss I left without any sudden words. The boss I thought I would never see again. When the door closes he just stares. He stares long enough for me to not know how much time has passed. "Joy, I am not even sure where to begin..." He is running his hands through his hair nervously. Stammering, unable to meet my eyes. I hear him take a breath and my mind is racing on what to tell him; what would make the most sense to tell a kind, sweet man that you stood him up because of your own insecurities? Needing more wait time and not wanting to interrupt his train of thought, I wait for his response. "What happened the other night? He is running his hands through his hair nervously. Stammering, again and still unable to meet my eyes. My mind is racing on what to tell him; what would make the most sense to tell a kind, sweet man that you stood him up because of your own insecurities? Needing more wait time and not wanting to interrupt his train of thought, I wait for his response.

"What happened the other night? I am not sure what I did or said, but I went after you and you were gone. Can you just, can you just let me know what I did to offend you so harshly?" He meets my eyes for the first time, and I know he is sincere. He chased after me? Me? His sincerity makes me want to meet him with that same authenticity, but I am scared as soon as my mouth opens. I don't have to be honest, but his kindness is so overwhelming I don't know what to say. "I just, Jonah I... I just... you went after me?" It is the most prominent thing I can think of. Not that he's the fucking boss, not that I am such an idiot for leaving, not that I have literally been crossed legged staring at his crotch, but that he would chase after me. ME. A person that is not worthy of being chased, especially after me; the girl who left him. A girl that isn't as pretty as any girl in our city. I sniff down and remember one last detail- a girl with coffee spilled on her.

For the first time since we entered this meeting he smiles. "Yes, Joy I was having well I thought I was having...I mean we were having a good time...Not that I think of you as a good time, because that is not what I meant or would ever mean unless you wanted that but..." I return his smile with one of my own. His stammering reminds me of someone "Please don't tell me you have a concussion because I wouldn't know how to help you". He returns a smile accompanied by a nice breezy laugh. "I guess we both have some explaining to do...if it's not too bold...I would love a do over and a proper date. I'll have my receptionist forward you over the details, if you will accompany me?" His smile is full of promise as his eyes meet mine. Every bone in my body wants to say yes. But the same reason I got up and left him in the restaurant, that same fucking pit in my stomach holds me back from saying yes. That same stupid voice that whispers in me that there is every reason why it shouldn't be me he is talking too. I realize suddenly I need more reassurance. I need to know if this is more than just a coincidence or a chance for a clean dating record- on his part most likely. Going through this self-doubt in my head my expression undoubtedly begins to change and the only reason I notice is because I see his expression change also. "Why? Jonah, why would you want me to accompany you?" I feel my eyes watering, but I am refusing to let them fall. I just look down, ashamed at the way I sabotage my own happiness time and time again. He sighs slightly, tilts his head and reaches over to my chair. He places a hand over mine very gently, so gently you wouldn't even notice our hands touched. "Because Joy, I figured sitting and eating without might give me more luck that having food with you while standing." He chuckles a bit.

I return with a short laugh realizing I have stained two shirts with this man. I mean part of me owed him at least a second chance. That way even if he wanted nothing to do with me at least we could part on good terms rather than me running away. I sighed and mustered a small ounce of courage mixed with guilt. "Then okay yes, I guess that would make more sense." I say blinking away any reminisce of sadness.