As I sat beside your bed, I held your warm hands for the longest time, all the time wishing it could've been different. Deep down I wish it could've been better. I wish I could turn back time, to the time when it was better.
But I knew deep down inside my core, the cold truth, that this is not a world that forgives, nor a world that answers our deepest prayers, it is a world where nothing last forever, and no matter how much you put up a fight, you will always lose in the end.
As my clouded thoughts fade, I felt you breathe harshly under the sheet, painfully gasping for what little air you can manage, it sounds so painful that I can't stop my tears from rolling down my cheek, and each drop felt like a thousand blades pierced my heart.
I wanted to, if only I could take your pain, all your worries, all of it! Damn it! I will do it without a shred of doubt or second thoughts, even if the cost is great.
But you and I both know, it won't happen, it will never happen in this place, not ever, it's not that easy.
I watched you for a long time, I don't know how much time has passed, you slowly open your eyes, and I saw then, that even your body was crumbling, failing, your soul, your beautiful soul never gave up, and it never gave up. I saw it in your eyes, the eyes that were the gate to a place where I can find all the stars in the universe, my stars...and my universe.
You turned and look at me, and you spoke softly, in a voice I have never heard before, full of pity, pain, regret, and yet full of hope and love,
"You have been with me, all this time and I couldn't have asked for more, thank you and I love you, and I'm sorry I couldn't keep our promise".
I said nothing, for no amount of words, no matter how much emotion I could attached to it, and no matter how loud or how much I will repeat my words, it wouldn't change anything, and so I just looked at you, for I wanted to remember every inch of you, burn your image in my memory, make sure that no matter what happens I will be able to remember you. That was the only thing I could do for you.
When my gaze met yours again, I knew that it's not pity for yourself that you felt, it was for me. Knowing that you'll leave me all alone in this world, pity, knowing that no one will ever love me like you do, but full of hope that everything will be fine even after you leave me.
It would never be. I wanted to tell you that, but I am a coward, so I swallowed whatever words I was about to say, in fear that I might hurt you.
Wearing the warmest smile that I managed, to hide every searing pain and crippling hopelessness I've felt, I replied,
"You can rest now, I will be fine so don't worry about me, see you when I see you, I love you".
As you slowly close your eyes, I silently cried, a part of me died inside, I desperately wanted to tell you stay, to be with me, I wanted to say it, but I didn't utter a word for I knew it would only make you suffer, and it would only wipe the most beautiful smile you've ever shown to me.
So I stayed silent, and watched painfully as you drift slowly away. As the time ticks away I knew, I knew then, that I will never see those beautiful eyes again or your smile again, to feel your warmth, your hugs and kisses again, to be....happy with you again. I knew that I'll never be with you again, and I can never accept that, not now or in a million lifetimes.
It's been 25 years since you've passed,
Now, as I stand in front of the machine that I've worked so hard, after you've left me, your old, worn photo on my left hand, our rings, on my right hand, full of hopes and fears in my heart, and the promise that I have kept all this time, To find you wherever you are, no matter how far you are.
I slowly took a step towards the machine, hoping and praying it would bring me to you, in another universe, in another place, another time, in another life.
I utter these words before I fade from this finite.
"I love you, from this life to the next."
-End.
