Bangtan Gang ~ Kim Namjoon x BTS

10 - I forgot

[Authors pov]

It was then, everyone realised. They really fucked up.

They were so caught up in arguing with each other that they had completely forgot that Namjoon was sitting at the end of the table.

The shock and realization was clear on all six of their faces and they almost turned a different colour as they remembered all the words they had shouted out.

"Drugs"
"Blood"
"Gang"
"Dead"

Namjoon was still crying loudly, switching between looking up at all the men and looking down at the ground.
His knees were up on the chair, touching his chin, his head down on top of his knees.

Seokjin was almost about to break down. How could he be so stupid to not remember his Namjoon was right there.
He didn't want to introduce Namjoon to the life he had closed off. The horrible, tough, dangerous life he had.

He wanted to show Namjoon the real life.
The life where  Seokjin was happy, just a normal person, who wanted love and to travel the world.

"Hyung?" Namjoon finally spoke up between tears, still sniffing and looking up.

Seokjins heart almost broke at Namjoons innocent, tear filled eyes.

"Hyung" Namjoon cried out more, wanting to know what they were talking about and why Seokjin was staring at him with eyes that looked broken.

Seokjin heard Namjoon calling for him, they all heard it.
However it was like Seokjin was glued to his spot. His eyes were looking at Namjoon, glancing over him, and he wanted to run and hug him and tell him he was sorry over and over.

However, it was fear. The fear of telling Namjoon the truth, how Seokjin had killed too many people to count, how he had killed fathers who begged them not to, how he had recklessly murdered human beings. The fear of Namjoon not looking at him as a hyung, but as a monster.

The fear of losing Namjoon, it was too much.

Seokjin hadn't known Namjoon that long, but already he was in love.
He loved the way Namjoon bit his lower lip while focusing, how he covered his mouth when he laughed, how he was so unbelievably kind. He noticed how Namjoon would talk to himself, calling himself "Joonie" and how he would tell himself he could do it.

Seokjin noticed how his eyes would open really wide when he was surprised and how his eyebrows lifted.

Seokjin had even noticed the "bad habits. Not that he would call them bad, more like cute. The way Namjoon was so clumsy, tripping over his own feet. How he broke everything so easily.

So as Namjoon cried out, Seokjin broke.

Seokjin collapsed to the floor, his legs giving out.
Everyone was shocked and reached out to grab him, even Namjoon.

However, it wasn't as if Seokjin was sick. He was just in shock, in denial, as if Namjoon really hadn't heard those evil words.
So, the only thing he did was scream out what he meant, what was on his heart and his brain.

Seokjin grew up in a reckless environment, to say it in the nicest way possible.
His father was a simple, strict man to say the least.
His mother, well, I guess a bitch was the nicest thing to call her.

Seokjin grew up learning that emotions were a weakness, that pretty faces were just a fuck, that animals were just food.
It took him years to realize that he had been abused as a child.
Not physically, his parents often raised their hands but never hit.

However, he was abused so badly. He was abused mentally.
It took meeting Yoongi and Hoseok to realize that.
How his parents would call him useless, a waste of space, that he was only conceived because of a drunken, stupid fuck.