The Switch Hitter (GxG)

Chapter 19

I slung my bag over my shoulder, yawning as I did so. The other girls around me were chattering amongst themselves, but I was too tired to even consider starting a conversation. It was the Friday before the week of tryouts; we had finished the last open gym before the start of the season. My stomach was continually churning with the pressure I placed on myself. I knew deep down that there was no way the coaches wouldn't put me on the team. I'd seen and practiced with all of the competition firsthand; I was too good to pass up. 

Yet no matter how often I tried to reassure myself of that fact, the nerves refused to go away. Combined with my nightmares, which I was now getting nightly, I was averaging around three hours of sleep per day. There were bags and dark circles under my eyes. I already had enough trouble staying awake during school, but now it was damn near impossible. Frankly, I was shocked I hadn't collapsed playing softball earlier. 

Anna still had me under house arrest, which meant I had to go home as soon as school and softball were over. While I had a significant amount of free time, every time I tried to take a nap I ended up just laying in bed, my head spinning. This situation was stressing me out so bad I couldn't concentrate on my homework, and my grades were starting to drop again. I had gone from As and Bs to mostly Cs, and I knew before too long Anna would notice. She could obviously see that I wasn't getting enough sleep, but I still hadn't told her about my nightmares. Fortunately for me, I didn't wake up screaming anymore, just in a cold sweat. 

At that point I took what I could get.

I shook my head, trying to clear the grogginess out of my brain. Even though my adrenaline had carried me through practice tonight, it was rapidly wearing off, and I felt my muscles tightening already. Without sleep I had remained sore for the last week. My play had definitely been affected, but it was minimal. I pushed through and tried to give practice all my attention. Oddly enough, it was one of the only things that made me feel better. 

I needed softball. 

Even with all of the negative memories with my dad, it was my favorite thing in the world. Even if I wasn't really friends with the girls on the team, the game itself was enough to put me in a better mood, a better mindset. I was hard on myself when I made a mistake, but I played to the best of my ability the entire time. There was nothing more satisfying to me than coming home exhausted, completely beat, because I used up every ounce of energy in the weight room, in practice, or on the field earlier. The sense of gratification that came from putting in the maximum amount of work and seeing it pay off was like no other sensation I knew. I actively sought out validation like that in all aspects of my life, and in softball I could get it. I loved everything about the sport. It gave me a purpose, something to focus on, to channel my energy into.

If I couldn't have softball, I knew that I would eventually end up in a dangerous place. And that was the main reason for all of my nervousness.

I felt my phone buzz in the back pocket of my pants, distracting me from my mental monologue. I pulled it out to see a text from Anna.

I'm going on a date with Jacob, be home by 8:15.

I sighed. If I wouldn't have been ready to pass out at any moment, this would've been the perfect opportunity to stay out. 

Ok. I replied reluctantly, mentally kicking myself for being so tired, even though it really wasn't my fault.

My shoe was untied, and I slipped my bag off my back so I could lean over. I groaned quietly at the ache in my back and knees, double knotting the laces so hopefully I wouldn't have to tie them again. I stood back up and started towards the doors, but suddenly I felt a hand close around my wrist.