Disorderly Complicated

Chapter 1

As my heart begins to beat faster with every breath that I take, I wipe my sweaty palms off onto my blue jeans. My breathing becomes shallow and the room's details fade into a colorful blur. Peering through my bangs, I stare blankly ahead trying not to show any emotion but the tears that were building up in my eyes were not helping. Nobody was around, I was in my bedroom alone but I still didn't want to cry. As I stare at my reflection in the mirror, my heart completely sinks into my stomach. My head pounded with negative voices.

"Fatty, you're a fatty Kylie, nobody could ever love you. No wonder nobody likes you, nobody wants to date a fat girl like yourself. Fatty."

My mind replays this and more words similar to these, in a disembodied voice. The words engrave themselves into the back of my mind, and were unpleasant to listen to. The words cut deep, and the tears that were building up, poured out of my eyes like a waterfall. They stung my cheeks as they rolled down my face. I no longer could look at myself in the mirror, I squeezed my eyes shut forcefully, and rotated my body away from the mirror fighting every urge to continue to look. A part of me had doubts about the voices, but those doubts were overcome by multiple feelings. I gave in; I knew it was right.

"I know I'm fat! Nobody will ever love me," I cried out inside my head.

I clenched my hand tight as I opened up my eyes, and found myself facing the wall; tears were still rolling down my face uncontrollably. I slammed both hands flat against the wall; from there, I dropped to my knees, dragging my hands down the wall as I collapsed. I sat on the ground with my arms wrapped around my knees, and losing touch on reality as I began digging deeper into my thoughts. I may no longer be staring at my reflection, but the image still shown very clearly in my mind, shattering the human being that strives to escape from my eating problem.

Time seems to pass slower in these types of moments, like molasses in December. In my mind, life doesn't allow me to get a second to reflect on what I have witnessed, and experienced, leaving me with the feeling of being a prisoner to myself. In a way, I hold the key and could easily free myself from all of this. Then again, why would I? Within these thoughts I may be a prisoner, but out there I would also be a prisoner. The only difference is the size of the cage that I'm trapped within. Out there I can't see the boundaries, and I'm trapped with more people, making out there less safe. So what side of the bars do I want to stand on?

While in the middle of my thoughts my cellphone rang, slowly bringing me back to reality. Unaware that I stopped paying attention, I try to collect myself but I didn't bother to answer the call, I wasn't in the mood to or concerned about who called me. Thinking how unimportant it probably was. As I returned to reality, I began to find the strength to stand up and that same strength draws me back to the mirror; I hesitate, but eventually turn to face the mirror. I slowly take in the detail that the mirror shows me. I see flaw after flaw. I mentally absorb everything about my appearance, including every physical flaw. I glance up and down. I see my bangs hang in my face and my dark brown hair rests on my shoulders. As my eyes move down my body, I can’t help but notice my huge and unsightly torso. I turn my body sideways, still keeping my eyes on the mirror. I then place my hand on my stomach and the voices grow louder in my head. By a result of the voice I lift of my shirt and pinch the fat on my stomach between my fingers. Dissatisfied by the squishy feeling, I let go. It hurt to listen to the voice, and look at the ugly truth but I couldn't look away. I looked painfully close at my stomach, questioning what I saw. I slowly continue sliding my eyes down the reflection of my body, until I reach my thighs. Now, realizing why they are referred to as thunder thighs, there unsightly, hideous and much more. My eyes continued down my reflection stopping to examine the areas that are displeasing. Eventually I back away from the mirror, reviewing my fat stomach, muffin tops, thunder thighs and the other body parts I am displeased with.