Escaped - A Memoir Of Anger -Regret- Acceptance

last blow!

You don't feel the pain when you are running but once you stop it starts hurting unbearably"
And I was running a marathon. Not stopping for a moment to think about life.
Because I knew, I will become less courageous and shattered into pieces.
Who knew that this courage that kept me moving will not last long.

Hammad and I were watching his favourite TV show when he asked me that he wanted to take a nap. It was his disease making him more lethargic and dizzy most of the time. I am now used to of his dozing off even during random talks. But this time it feard me. But I kept my wild guesses guarded. Nothing can happen to him because I need him and he needs me. A year back we hated each other like any other siblings but incidents brought us together and now we have left with only each other in our lives.
I never kept anything secret from him but the news I received today somehow couldn't reach my mouth and I do not want to vocal it. I left my decision to Lord Almighty.
I switched off the TV and covered him well with the quilt.
With the pain in my back, I laid down on a sofa. Bombarded with the thoughts I took out tranquillizer and gulped it.
We both slept for three hours when the nurse knocked on the door. It was Hammad's time for the next medicine.
I requested the nurse to look for him while I have to go somewhere real quick
Mrs Khadija has been like my mother and she was appointed as Hammad's personal caretaker so I can trust her and leave Hammad to her.

The younger self of me never had ever thought that life would take a turn like this. My parents died in an accident and my brother was diagnosed with leukaemia. Within a year I am transformed from a spoiled child to an independent self-sufficient girl.

My Baba was CEO of the multinational company so he had left some handsome bank balance for two of us. But money can not buy everything. Smiling in Infront of my brother as if I am happiest and giving him false hope while doctors declared that he has only a few more days. My days are spent in the library where I work part-time, and evenings at my university and nights taking care of my brother. For a very long time, I had not seen my face in the mirror.
I had been the most mischievous child of my parents and I never got to remember dates.
My cell phone rang and I burst into the tears when the screen blinked with the words "It's your birthday Fatima Abduraheem!"

I don't know why I cried so much but I didn't let myself stop. My brother just had a shot of his regimens and he was in deep slumber. I got up and kiss on his forehead and thanked him for staying with me. My brother used to have soo much enthusiasm for life. He was in his first year of computer engineering when he was diagnosed with the fetal illness. My parents were alive at that time. I was blessed to have such a positive family. Hammad Abduraheem was fully supported to do whatever he wants, despite knowing his illness he was determined to do something extraordinary in life.
He was working on a game when he collapsed in school, and since that day he is under intensive care.

In short, life is meaningless in Infront of me but I have to live for my brother and want to give him the motivation to live a little longer. I still act clumsy in Infront of him to make him say scolding words. In this way, I keep my insanity checked.

Fatima Abduraheem!
Someone called my name while I was dozing during my class.
It's just in class I can have a sound sleep while it haunts me if I spare a minute to think about what is going on with my life

It was Abdullah who had news for me but Sana, my only dearest friend pulled him and inquired what's wrong.
Meanwhile, I was fully awake and was all ears.
"She got selected for the one year program in Spain and it's a fully funded"

This was an exchange program that I applied a year ago when my life was in place and the only worries I had were related to my career and studies. The scenario is totally different now
I could have jumped hysterically with joy if only everything would be the same as a year back. This news did not feel good in any way.
Hamad came to my mind and I bunked class and went straight to the hospital.

Intuitions are strong. I strongly believe them. I didn't know how I was able to reach the Shaukat Khanum hospital from my university. I drove like a mad dog. Later at a signal, one rickshaw driver cursed me under his tongue but there was some kind of Barrier. Not speaking not muttering just wanted to go to Hammad. And my intuition didn't prove me wrong. Mrs Khadija was on her phone, sobbing.
"Oh, my dear Fatima I was about to call you."
I sense something, something hard that was tearing me apart. She hugged me and I was standing still- cold as ice.
Somewhere in my subconscious, I prayed that Allah please no more bad news this year. Let this year pass!
I didn't want to move even an inch from that spot. I found my self soo weak at that time. All my pride for being strong from the past whole year was draining. I didn't let a tear down my cheeks when I heard the death of my parents I had reasons for that. I promised my self that I will be strong. I will prove that I am Abdur Raheem's daughter. But this time I broke down and cried as loud as I could. The whole ward listened to my shrieks. There was no one, Baba had gone, mama is no more and now Hammad.

The last thing I remember was Mrs Khadija shouted for help and I broke down in her arms.

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