Untitled Sadness

Love?

         I wrote this cause I've been reading an AU in twitter that makes my heart flutter and it made me throwback to my love stories. So as you know that I never been in relationship before. Why? Yeah cause there are none of my crush that like me back :) It's hard for me to tell about my feelings to someone I like. This is cause something that happened back then in junior high school. You don't need to know the detail cause it's still makes me hurt if I remember it. The point it makes me afraid to confess about my feelings.  Afraid of being rejected, afraid of being someone they hate, afraid of being an annoying girl, and afraid, and afraid. There are so many funny stories about how I try to approach my crush in invisible way. It's really a big achievement if I can talk to them. I'm really a shy girl when it related to my crush. Even my friend's help just make me more shy. I just see them from far away. Little things like this can make me happy. 

         It was getting worse when something happened. This thing made me not only afraid to confess about my feelings, but also afraid being in love, afraid being in relationship. Bold me to assume there is someone want to have relationship with me, but yeah okay. You think after that I never been in love? Totally wrong. I am a person that easily to fall in love. No no no no with people that know me, but with people that don't know me yeah they are my kpop idols. Just kidding, I ever in love with people around me. You can guess what happen next right? I'm afraid to tell them about my feelings and they don't even like in the very first. It's not just my assumption, I know this really well. The reality always really hit me hard. You think I'm not broken hearted cause I'm getting used to all of this? Totally wrong. It still makes me hurt too. But, I don't cry :) I just cry when I watch drama or sad novel so I'm okay. This is why sometimes I run my feelings to do fangirling, to forget the feelings that I have. Yeah it is work. All I think is only about my bias, so I can forget about my crush. I know this is not a good way to heal my trauma. But, I think it is effective. Even though, I'm not totally can get rid of this feelings, time will heal everything, right?