-a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
I used to be a very positive person.
I used to think that life is too short to be sad and negative.
But here I am. Finding away to escape this suffocation.
I did not really notice kung kelan nagsimula, siguro when I started loosing confidence in things where I know I'm good at. I used to compete in dancing when I was still young, but when I entered a new school I started doubting myself, cause every time I tried to express my talent, someone always has to say something. Until I decided to stop and just hide that hobby of mine. It was not easy because alam mo yun when someone is dancing I ended up judging them, " ay bakit ganon?, dapat mas lambutan pa!, mas magaling pa ako jan eh!", that was my thought the whole time, not knowing na ako pala yung problema, because even if you have talent it will be useless unless meron kang confidence to express it.
After that, hindi ko din napansin na naging sobrang insecure ko sa maraming bagay. I keep on questioning God why I always lack on something. Also, I tried to distant myself with a lot of people, dahil kung hindi I'll just keep on making things hard for myself kung bakit hindi ko kayang makisabay sa kanila. Don't get me wrong before mangyari yan, I really really TRIED to make "friends" to the point na nakagawa na ako ng mga bagay na hindi dapat, I was just so desperate back then.
Hindi ko namalayan, I always thought kasi na baka sumama lang sila sa akin if I have this and that. That maybe they will like me if I can give something to them, pero mali pala ako. Kasi nawla din naman sila. Then, ayun nga I ended up being alone again, and I can say that it was really hard.
For some, this maybe simple lang pero for me this really made me more hopeless, I guess. There is this one day in my life where I thought I can be happy and just enjoy but I was wrong. this is when I realized na kahit gaano ka magpursigi hindi pa din enough to make someone proud. To the point na you need to force someone pa to go with you to celebrate and that is very sad. pero hindi lang yun.
When I got home and check social media I saw my classmates celebrating happily with their families while me, crying and eating a left over food from our food yesterday. I don't blame naman my parents kung bakit hindi nila ako nasamahan nung moment na yun. More on mas sinisi ko yung sarili ko kung bakit ako umasa na baka this time may gusto ng sumama sa akin, na baka may gustong makita ako magcelebrate with my achievements. This situation really pushed me to just distant myself from others. I was really sad that time.
Then a year ended and I had to make a big change and adjustment in my life. I need to enter Highschool.
Part 2..
