The Boy I Shouldn't Want to Love

16. No right to cry

Theo was leaving.

Those words bounced for a while in Liam's head before sinking completely. He looked at him stunned for a moment, his heart pumping violently, before he could find his voice again.

"You... will you move in... with her? " He repeated slowly, almost not understanding, words like ashes on his tongue.

Theo didn't answer, just bowed his head.

Liam stared at him looking kind of destroyed, biting his lips before asking again. "And are you doing it because of me or because of her?"

"I'm doing it because of myself!" Theo said quickly, and he probably realized that he had sounded a little harsh because he sighed, giving a shrug and softening his tone, continuing impassively "I have to give her the benefit of the doubt, right? Those are your words. And so at least we will no longer have to pretend with anyone that everything is fine. I'll make it easier for you to ignore me, aren't you happy?"

Liam looked at him sharply, spreading his arms "Do you think that's what I wanted?! I hated every single moment of these two weeks!" He snapped, trying not to raise his voice too much so that Paul didn't hear him.

Theo crossed his arms letting go a sarcastic laugh "Oh it didn't seem like you hated it when you turned the other way as soon as you saw me or when you left the house before I even got up so as not to risk meeting me"

"What would you wanted me to do?" Liam exclaimed eagerly, desperation in his voice. "I-"

"Nothing. I don't want you to do anything, Li." Theo looked at him, narrowing his eyes, before turning to go back to his room. "In any case, I will leave, soon I will no longer be your problem, don't worry"

"You're n-" Liam started to go up a step, but was distracted by the sound of the study door opening. Paul peered out at him.

"Oh Liam luckily you're here, wouldn't you bring me a coffee, would you? This work is killin' me" Paul looked at him weirdly. "What were you doing?"

"Ah" Liam spun around to where Theo was, but where nobody was now. He looked back at Paul, forcing a smile. "Nothing- nothing, I...- I'll make you that coffee right away"

"Thank you, son" Paul smiled at him and disappeared back into his study.

Liam sighed in distress as he took one last look at the top of the stairs before resuming his descent.

You're not a problem. It was what he wanted to say to Theo, who until now, in fact, had always been, at every moment, his solution, to any problem or difficulty he had faced.

Theo had become his fixed point, his anchor, his lifesaver... and now that he was moving away, Liam felt lost.

Somehow, the idea of not having Theo next to him was something that hadn't really sunk in him until then.

Theo is leaving.

And it was his fault. Even if Theo would never have admitted it. But it was most of all his fault.

*

Theo spent most of the spring break moving his things from his room to his mother's house. He could have done it in a few days, he was aware of it, but somehow, he preferred to stall, taking things calmly. So for the first week he alternated between staying at home and staying at hers, and inside himself he repeated that he did it just to make the change gradual for his father, but he eventually knew that even for him that was a big step.

And he was partly ashamed to admit it, but deep down he hoped Liam would stop him at some point and ask him not to go. A vain hope probably, because on the Sunday when he piled the last things on his truck, while Jenna and Paul stood in the driveway hugging him and greeting him with a thousand recommendations, Liam simply watched them - dejected - from his window.