The Wait ✔

Escape

MOMINA ABDUL MAJEED

Sunday was just the same as Saturday, except for me throwing up. Not a word spoken to each other. It was like we didn't exist there. Which, should be a plus point for me. Making my task easier. Never in my life I was so eager to wait for Monday than today.

I was actually up minutes before the alarm went off. The fact that I didn't sleep last night is a different story. I kept tossing and turning, probably ruining Murad's sleep as well. But not before he got so pissed of that, he had to hold me in a tight embrace to keep me from changing positions, with half his weight on me. Come to think of it, a built up man's weight on someone one skinny like I. At a point I thought this would be my last night not only with Murad but also in this world. But life or I should say Allah S.W.T had plans for me.

I was so energetic since the moment I stepped down from the bed, moving around hastily, getting ready, making breakfast, talking to Lynn on the phone all together, that Murad looked at me with concern and asked "Are you alright?" I wasn't taken aback from that question, but managed to answer "Yeah, perfectly fine." and offered him a smile, at which he narrowed his eyes, but resumed eating.

I tried to finish my breakfast, but failed, once again. I gulped down the water down my throat, with the rising emotions in me and thankfully, succeded in doing so. I saw him get up and walk towards the couch to grab his breifcase and then towards the door.

Without thinking I called "Murad!" He spun around in a second as if waiting for me to call his name, and asked "Yeah?"

Swallowing my spit, I got up slowly from the chair and took small steady steps to where he was standing. Mustering up all the courage, I wrapped my arms around his torso, taking him in an embrace and rested my head on his chest. I could feel his body go tense and relax the next second, hugging me back. I shut my eyes, inhaling his colonge, for one last time and broke the embrace. I pulled back, fixing his tie, and collar, just like I used to before, and could feel his intense gaze on me the whole time.

"Have a good day." I said, offering a smile to which again he narrowed his eyes at but nodded and left, shutting the door behind him. I released a breath I didn't realize I was holding, and held the edge of the counter, getting a hold of myself. My head started to spin, and my knees were getting wobbly. Dark spots were slowly, hazing my vision. I shut my eyes tightly for a few seconds and opened them again to find every thing normal.

I took weak steps towards our bedroom, taking it in, maybe for the last time. I turned towards the dressing table and placed my ring on it. The ring Murad and gifted me. The ring that I didn't deserve. Letting go of the love that I didn't deserve. And that was it. I spun around not wanting to be there for any longer. I couldn't take it anymore for I knew that, if I stayed longer I would get weak. And that would make me change my mind. But, I couldn't afford that anymore.

I grabbed my bag and the keys, shutting the door behind me. I didn't take any clothes with me nor any kind of luggage. I didn't know where I was going to after work today. I couldn't go to my parents for ever which leaves me with one option.

***

"What the f*ck is wrong with you?" She yelled. "I can't believe you can be so stupid and selfish!"

"Then what the f*ck do you want me to do? Stay and bring more trouble and pain in his life?" I yelled back. It was 6.00 pm currently, and I was done with my work and making my way to the subway. The entire day, I didn't receive any text from Murad, not that I was waiting for it, but one call. Fortunately, I wasn't the one who picked it up, it was Lynn, who informed me later about it. My hands were itching to ring him back, but I didn't. And here I am arguing with my best friend who was supposed to be my host, for the rest of my life.

"Why don't you get it? It doesn't work like 'if you love him enough then let him go' mantra anymore Momina! We are living in the f*cking 21st Century now!"

"I don't care what works for others and what doesn't! All I care is about Murad here. And I am trying to help him. For the record, you are supposed to be saying, 'yo baby! you are right. I am so proud of your strength'.But who cares here!"

"That is the exact reason why I am not going to help you. Letting go of your love doesn't always mean courage and strength. Not in every case. And this for the record, falls in the latter category. You get me?"

We fell silent as I took a seat on the chair, waiting to jump in any train.

"I don't know Mehnaz! I don't know! I am so tired. So f*cking tired! I don't want him to hate me. I am scared of his hate. Scared that he might leave me." I felt hot tears running down my face and a soft whimper escaped my mouth.

"You are scared that he might leave you. That doesn't mean you leave him first and fool yourself around, that he didn't. How can you be so stupid!"

"Fine! I am stupid. Call me whatever. Because I have no idea of what to do, if not this." I yelled. and hung up. I didn't know to say and what to do anymore. But I was sure about one thing that I was losing my sanity. I was going crazy and if nothing is to be done ASAP, then I would be no different from the homeless lunatics you find in the subway.

The man announced the arrival of a train in a minute. And I could see it approaching the platform.

I still had the chance of stepping down now. I warned myself. He doesn't know you are leaving! How would he react when he was to go home and not find you there? Will he be mad? Or happy? Will he hate me for leaving him? Will he go around looking for me? Will he even react?

 The main concern here is where am I going to go? Mehnaz is being a bitch! Mom and Dad have no idea about anything at the moment. 

Let's just stay here! In the subway! 

I glanced around, taking in the atmosphere around me. It was a mix of everything! Eerie dark in a few corners, drunkards and homeless in your way. Do they like reserve their spots or something? What if I sleep in a corner and later at night a drunkard wakes me up claiming his spot? Imagine, if Murad was to come here and see me with these junkies, playing cards.... maybe. How will he react to it? A low snicker escaped my mouth and shaking my head, I cleared away all those crazy thoughts.

I looked at the train and it's door, wide open for the crowd. As if wanting me to enter through that door. It was calling me towards it. I didn't know where it led to, but I found myself wipe my tears and stand. My feet were taking me towards it, more like it was pulling me by it's invisible string. I was just 6 feet away, from stepping in when the doors, shut close. I had crossed the yellow safety line by now, and was a hand away from hitting the train. Frozen in my spot, I shut my eyes, waiting for the train to hit me and to become yet another victim of subway accidents, when a pair of familiarly strong arms grabbed my waist and pulled me towards it, just after I banged my head somewhere.

My eyes were shut, and could feel the blood trickle down my temple and my head spinning for the 3rd time in a day. I couldn't muster up the energy to open them and look at the person. But all my insights knew who it was.

"Murad!" I mumbled before letting the darkness envelope me in its arms.

XOXO

M.