Archer

Second Part

•Fifth month, August 2018.
That month was the hardest for me. I couldn't hide my baby bump properly anymore, my boobs were swollen, my hips got wider, my appearance changed. My mom started to noticed. She confronted me but I denied it. I wasn't ready. And at that time, I don't know when I'll become ready. I'm so scared of making my mother cry for the same reason. I know that the baby is a blessing, but it's really so hard for me to admit it. I've been crying all by myself for months. I've been worrying of what could happen.

It's the start of another school year, although I'm enrolled, I decided to not attend school. Acacia's nanny resigned due to health reasons. I used that as an alibi so that my mom won't force me to go to school. I said I'll take care of Acacia while waiting for her nanny's replacement. She agreed. My mom and I have been arguing since the start of August. She kept on nagging me about my pregnancy but I continued denying it. Until one day, she came home from work, she had a pregnancy test kit on her hand. I had no choice to just admit that I'm pregnant. My fear of making her cry happened. Even though she didn't scold me, she became aloof. She didn't talked to me for days. But the weight that I've been carrying for five months feels lighter. It feels good that you're not hiding anymore. It feels good to let out what's inside of your head, of your thoughts, because honestly, I don't think if I can handle my sanity for any longer. I thought of things a lot, especially at night. I thought of the possible things that could happen. Then I'll start crying. I have no one to talk to. Those were the darkest days of my life. Because of my carelessness, my babies are the ones who were suffering. And I'm so mad at myself. I feel so sorry for my baby.

After some days, my mom started talking to me. I was happy. My mom was there from the very beginning. She forgave me once again and I'm so grateful. She said that I should start to become a responsible mother. I have two babies now. I need to get my shit together. No time for playing around. And she said that this is my last chance, so I promised her, that that would be the last time I'd make her cry out of disappointment. However, she told me she wasn't disappointed. The correct term for what she's feeling for me was "panghihinayang". Like I said, she had so much great plans for me, even if I got pregnant. Because she knew I could do a lot more. And that's what I've been trying to prove to her, until now. That even if I have babies, I can still make her proud. I can still finish my studies. I can still reach my goals.