Shots

he has changed (why can't you?)

You are Azula, you are perfect.

You walk with grace and precision and ferocity. You walk with promise and prestige. You are the daughter of Sozin, named after Firelord Azulon, you are delicate and rough. Bangs always fall into place. Your hands don't tremble as they used to.

In, hold, out.

You have fire instead of blood and you are a prodigy. You are Azula, you are perfect. (You are scared.)

You love your older brother, you do. Father says that he is weak and that the weak will die. You do not want Zuko to die, he has always been kind to you. When Father screams at you because he is angry. You cry, but Father tells you that only weak people cry. He will be disappointed in you are weak. So you cover your tears with smirks and you perfect the art of lying. Nobody will know when you hurt because you are a weapon, and weapons do not weep. 

You solder on, you will make your flames hotter and hotter and hotter until they become abnormal. You will practice until you can summon lightning at a moment's notice. Without thought. Second nature, it will be as easy as breathing fire. 

You are Azula of the Fire Nation, and you are perfect.

---

Father talks with Grandfather, and you watch when Zuko runs away. You must know. You must.

Firelord Azulon orders Father to kill your older brother. You are so, so scared. So you put on a confident facade and you tell Zuko. You call him Zuzu. 

"Dad's going to kill you." You say, you are scared, you want to cry. Your lips twist into a smirk and you giggle. You swing around the pole on his bed to distract yourself from your shaking hands. "Really, he is."

He doesn't believe you, and Mother drags you to scold you. She calls you a monster. She is right, you are a monster. But monsters are guarded, they do not get hurt. So you do as your mother says. You build walls that become palaces and watchtowers and you only let two people in, Mai and Ty Lee, they will not leave. You are sure. You taunt them with fear and give them the things they oh so desire, they will never leave, they are loyal. They fear you.

You are a monster, you are perfect. With a mouth full of teeth and a belly full of fire, you are a monster. No amount of makeup or dolls will change that. (But you do not want to be a monster, you long to be a princess, you burn the doll uncle sends you because mother says you are a monster. When she is not looking, when everyone is asleep, you pick the charred remains of the doll and you try and fix it.)

You are ten years old, and you are so, so tired. All your bones have been replaced with metal― jagged and sharp ―and all your blood has become fire. You feel wrong. You are a monster though, so you suppose this is how you are supposed to feel. (Get over yourself Azula, you'll never become stronger like this.) 

Your skin becomes like leather, but you are a girl, and girls do not have skin like leather. You make a skincare routine. You are pretty, powerful, and perfect. You are a monster with a mouth full of poison and a stomach full of fire. Hunger for the unknown and hate towards all the things you cannot have (envy, they call it) sits in your eyes. You sink your nails, sharp and perfect, into the traitors. 

Your father watches your first Agni Kai, you fail.

He does not say anything― only Mai and Ty Lee speak to you, and when you ask father why, he says to train harder. Stronger, faster, you are a weapon and weapons do not weep. So you do not cry. You do not say a word. There is a demon in your eyes and it is destroying your soul.

---

Zuzu has been exiled. Banished.

You feel the weight of your heart in your stomach, but you have a belly full of fire. Your heart burns to cinders. You have gone cold, your insides twist and turn. Your brother has a scar, now. You want to kill Father. No, you want to kill everyone. Everyone except Zuzu, Ty Lee, Mai, and Uncle. Mother made you a monster and Father has destroyed your brother. You are alone.

You train until Agni rises and then continue until the moon takes its place. You work until not a single hair falls out of place, and when you have mastered the will of the flame, you control how hot it is. 

Your hand blisters the first time. 

The second time is perfect, but it wasn't good enough. You make your flames so hot that when they become blue they do not burn. So hot that the ends are flickering white. Father is proud, you want to burn him in your flames, but you must learn lightning first. Then you are going to make sure he suffocates. He has humiliated your brother. You hate him. You hate him so, so much. With every fiber of your being.

You are Azula, you are perfect. (You are Azula, you are a monster.)

---

You must take Zuzu prisoner. He will be safe, you tell yourself. He will be safe, even if Father hates him.

Uncle does not believe you, he has the right to doubt you. After all, monsters lie all the time and you are no longer human.

You died screaming, you know this. Thrashing and bawling and yelling. You remember when you were a child. Before the monster took your skin away from you, before your mind was no longer yourself and you became silent. You remember how you cried, because your own flames licked your arms with too much heat. (You'd learnt to become resistant.) Zuzu would hug you tight― he was only two years older than you, but he loved you more than f m Father ever did ―and tell you that you weren't broken. That firebending takes time.

Uncle defeats you and takes Zuzu.

You want your brother back. You do not want to be an only child, no matter what you say.

He is right. You are Azula, you are a liar.