High and Drowning

Chapter 13

Kintsugi [きんつぎ]

a noun

" golden joinery" illuminating and strengthening along broken lines

_________

It was so hard. So, so hard. 

The guilt that roiled and ripped inside of him and the voices that shattered his self-confidence pounded him farther and farther into the ground. 

Look for the light. Look for the light. 

Light, light, lightlightlight. In all this overwhelming darkness, there had to be light. 

In the midst of darkness, light persists.  

Think of those that love you, that want to help you. Morgan, JJ, Emily, Hotch, Mom. 

Focus on the light, Reid, focus on that damn light and breathe. 

_________

They had stayed there with him. Emily talking to Hotch, explaining the situation. 

"Do you need me to be there?" She had smiled, he was so concerned. 

"No, stay with Haley, and Jack. We'll be fine." 

They stayed through the night, stayed through the sleepless night. 

He had paced in circles, eyes slightly unfocused. Morgan had at one point tried to get him to just stop, to just settle down, but he had shaken off his arm and continued on. 

JJ watched him with heavy eyes. It was close to 4:30 and Emily had long passed out. She looked at Reid. He stopped suddenly and sat down. Settling near the window he nestled his chin on the window sill and stared out at the lightening sky. 

She wished she knew what he was thinking, what was going on inside of his head. He seemed so pensive. 

Beside her Emily let out a huff of air and flopped sideways on her. She smiled slightly and arranged her so that she was more comfortable. Morgan had finally fallen asleep and she decided to give into the heavy weight as well. 

_________

It was dawn. The sky was a beautiful, crisp pink and if he wanted to, he could imagine birds chirping pleasantly in the distance. He traced a design on the wood beneath his fingers and let out a sigh. 

It was so heartachingly beautiful. 

His couch creaked and for half a second his heart stopped. Then he remembered. JJ, Morgan, and Emily. Looking over his shoulder he couldn't help and smile at the three of them slouched on top of each other, blissfully sleeping. 

They had stayed here, with him. 

He cracked his knuckles, something he rarely did but he felt that the situation required it. 

They had stayed here, with him? 

He really couldn't wrap his head around it. He was awful to them, yelling at them to leave, being a pain in the ass, he was sure. Not to mention he had done something so awful, so terribly irreversible that he was convinced that nobody would want to even attempt to rebuild those bridges that he had so gloriously burned. 

But here they were, with him. In his apartment. On his couch. Asleep. 

He swallowed. Hard. He had to get his head around this. He had to think about this rationally. 

That's the thing about this though, it really doesn't allow for rational thinking, or statistics or anything like that. It just screws with your emotions.