High and Drowning

Chapter 9

repossession  [rēpəˈzeSH(ə)n]

a noun

the action of retaking something

_________

He knew he wasn't just there for his addiction. 

He had to be there for the depression. For the heavy, heavy, weight of depression. 

He let out a heavy, trembling sigh. It had finally happened. He had been hospitalized. Just like his mother. 

Statistically, he knew the chances of this happening were greater for him, what with his wacked up genetics and trauma inducing job. 

It still hurt. 

Doctors had floated in and out, words floating over his head, not really understanding what they were saying. Stuck in a daze of pain and denial. 

He twitched, giving the latest doctor the satisfaction that he was in fact still alive. The doctor leaned into his line of sight and he squinted up at him. 

"--the pain today?" The words slipped in and out, and he managed to nod. 

"The good news--you're almost done--detox--meeting with--therapist." 

That should go well. He could barely bring himself to listen to anyone right now. The normal, well he had never really been normal, but the 'normal' Spencer Reid wasn't fond of therapists. 

Hard to talk to those people, in his professional opinion. Which now that he thought about it, his stubborn refusal to talk to one, had probably had a bigger influence on his current situation. 

You hate to see it. 

The doctor adjusted his IV and he grimaced. He felt so hypersensitive to everything. And if he had the strength he would probably be yelling something less than professional at the poor guy. He bit it back, choosing to glare at him instead. The detox may be almost over, but his emotions were still all over the place. 

JJ appeared in the doorway. She had a cup of coffee, and he got the feeling that it wasn't for him. He frowned and jerked his arm back. 

The doctor, passing JJ on the way out, whispered something in her ear. He ignored it. They were obviously talking about him, and his terrible attitude no doubt. 

Oh well. Let them. Comes with the territory. That's what you get when you deal with a suicidal, depressed drug addict who has to be hospitalized. He winced and passed a hand over his eyes. 

She sat down next to him. He lifted his hand from his eyes and gave her a side glance, fully aware he was acting like a five-year old. She took a sip and waited for him. 

He was not going to give in to her. Was not. 

He focused on the door. The ceiling. The heart monitor. The...anything. 

Then.

"Do you have to drink coffee right now?" God, he was so whiny. But, still, his diet didn't allow for any caffeine and he felt the withdrawal grab him. 

JJ chuckled and took another sip. "Sorry, was up all last night." Trying to cover for you and your little hospital stay. She would never tell him that. He would worry himself to death with guilt. 

They lapsed back into silence. He picked at the blanket, unraveling the hem. "JJ, I," He stopped obviously not wanting to continue. 

JJ waited. 

More fidgeting. More nervous scratching. "I-I, ugh, JJ, I hope everyone knows that I," He failed again. He looked straight up, his eyes watering. "JJ, I don't know what came over me, and I know that everyone knows and that I've probably been fired, and that's ok, because I honestly deserve to be fired, because I've been a really, really awful coworker, and I-"

JJ stopped him. "Spence. Please don't make me listen to this." She set down her coffee and reached for his hands. "I, we, all know what you did, and that by no means does it make it right, but Spence, you were suffering, and you were hurt, and sometimes when you're in pain, what you do and how you act, it's a shield to help soothe the pain. Spence, you were driven to the edge, to the very limit. Does it hurt that you felt that you couldn't talk to us? Yeah, it does but I get it, maybe you felt that you couldn't. But the important thing is, the important thing is, you're here,  you're alive, and you're with us, and we are going to help you come back from this. From all of this." 

She grabbed his hands and held on tighter. She had to let him know that she was there, that she meant every word that she was saying. 

"Spence. We will not let you go. We will not let you slip away from us again. Not again." She brushed away the tears streaming down her face. "Let us help you." He had to see that they would be there for him, that they would never let him go. He had to see that because JJ didn't know what she would do if he didn't. 

He gazed at the ceiling, eyes filled with tears. Shaking his head, he looked at her. "JJ," he whispered. That was all she needed. 

She understood. She could read between lines. He may not fully be there, may not fully have accepted all their help, not have relinquished all the guilt, but he was one step closer. 

I can take one step closer.

_________

Morgan stood outside the door, watching as the orderlies prepared to move Reid to a room in the ward. He hadn't really gotten the chance to talk with him, not really. 

Wasn't sure what to say. What do you say, in situations like these?

Hey kid, sorry about earlier, glad you're feeling better. Hope you can get out of here soon?

No, this was more, delicate. More...difficult. 

He'd been feeling so confused, so upset. Really, he didn't know exactly how to feel. Relieved, Reid lived. Angry, that Reid had even tried to attempt to kill himself. And a deep biting shame and sorrow, that Reid had tried to kill himself. It was a confusing mixture of emotions and Morgan had yet to figure them all out. 

He wandered in, might as well talk to him. It was getting awkward now. 

Slouching in the chair, he propped his feet up on the bed, glancing over at Reid. 

Reid glanced over at him. 

A long silence stretched between the two. A very long silence. 

Morgan decided to break the tension before  Reid's heart monitor called in one of his orderlies. "Listen kid." He heaved a sigh. Where to even go from here? He buried his head in his hands. "Just, please, I don't want to do that again. I don't ever want to see you like that again." His voice broke. Once again, unbidden an image of Reid lying still and pale in his apartment rose to his minds-eye and he shuddered. 

Reid closed his eyes and he felt his heart sink. A single tear traced its way down his face. "Morgan, I am so, so sorry." It was barely above a whisper. He had caused this, he had caused so much pain. 

Morgan lifted his head. "I know you are." And he was, Morgan could practically see the guilt poring out of him. He felt a twinge, somehow, somehow, he would have to help get rid of all that guilt. 

He sat back. Somehow he knew they had said all the words that had needed to be said. Their relationship would heal with time, that was to be expected. 

But for right now, they basked in the simple knowledge that it could maybe be all right, not quite perfect, but maybe all right.