The Lights

Twenty-One

Jungkook POV

SLAM.

Another random object in my room, this time, a book, hits my wall with a thud before falling to the ground. I've been throwing shit around my room for an hour now, hoping to somehow ease the frustration threatening to boil over in my mind.

I'm pissed.

I'm pissed that I'm trapped in this building for god knows how long. I'm pissed that I now have to drag Lisa along until this ridiculous shelter in place order is lifted. I'm pissed that Jimin and I are stuck together everyday with no where to run, only causing us even more pain. And most of all, I'm pissed at myself.

I ruined everything. My plan, my future with Jimin, nothing but a million shattered pieces on the floor. I want him more than I want to breathe. It's not even a choice; it's like I was wired this way from the very beginning. I finally found the courage to admit what I've always known deep inside, and now I can't possibly close the lid. He consumes me, every fiber of my being, and still, I can't have him. Not until I have made things right with Lisa. Not until he has no more ties to JB, or any other man. Not until our relationship can begin in a way that doesn't doom us from the very beginning. I thought about breaking up with Lisa on the phone, taking the easy way out. But I can't. She deserves more than that. She deserves honesty, and a sincere explanation. She has been nothing but wonderful to me, and I can't end our relationship so cruelly.

So, against my uttermost desires, I will continue being her boyfriend until the storm outside has passed, hoping I don't create another, even more violent one, within her soul.

As if on cue, I see her name flashing brightly on my phone. I hesitate, trying to find it within myself to pretend. 

Reluctantly, I decide to finally pick it up and answer, honestly curious to see how quickly I can become numb. 

"Lisa, baby, are you okay?" I cringe at the pet name, but I have to sound sincere.

"Jungkookie! Yes! Oh my god how crazy is this? Are you staying safe?" Her voice sounds genuinely relieved.

She wouldn't be if she knew how I spent my night without her.

And how much I desperately yearn to do it again.

"Yes, we're all fine. Pd-nim says were stuck here until the flooding stops, though. He literally forbid me from coming to see you this morning." Coming to see you to break your fucking heart, I think to myself bitterly. But she doesn't need to know that.

"Aw, babe, you're the sweetest! But it's the same for us here. Literally trapped inside our building for days, if not weeks. Ugh. I'm gonna go crazy."

"I know, me too." I scan my gaze across my bedroom floor, trying to ignore the unbearable twinge in my chest that occurs when my eyes find one of Jimin's socks from the night before. "You have no idea." Seeing Jimin everyday, remembering the way he looked with my dick in his mouth and being unable to experience it ever again might actually make me lose my mind. 

As if I ever had one to begin with.

"I know you're not the biggest fan of talking on the phone, but we'll have to try and talk as often as we can. Things are just crazy right now though, so let's promise not to get mad at one another for not responding right away. Okay?" Relief washes over me. Of course she's not going to pressure me to talk to her all day everyday now that we won't be able to see each other for awhile. Why would she? She's literally perfect.

If only that were enough.

"Ah, Lalisa, you are seriously the best. I promise to call and text you when I can," I gulp thickly, "I'll miss you." Now, and forever, I will miss her. Not romantically necessarily, but as a person. She will probably never want anything to do with me once she finds out the truth.

"Miss you too, Kookie. Talk to you soon. I hope you have a good practice!"

She hangs up and I flop back on my bed with a groan.

Practice.

Normally I don't mind practice too much, especially when I have something I really want to perfect. But practice means seeing Jimin. And right now, seeing Jimin means pain. Lots and lots of pain.

I just want to be alone, confined to my room like my own personal jail cell, paying for the unforgivable crimes I've committed. But, instead, I must face a punishment much more cruel.

Breaking me out of my thoughts, my phone lights up once more, this time my father's name flashing brightly across the screen. I ignore it immediately, completely certain I don't have the energy to lie to another person today. I feel guilty instantly, knowing they probably just want to make sure I'm okay.

But the truth is, I'm not. And I don't know if I ever will be.

I close my eyes, rubbing them aggressively, trying to erase the filthy images of Jimin from my mind. Not surprisingly, I fail at the task with flying colors.

My phone begins buzzing once again, this time my mother's name attacking me from the screen. I press decline once more, rolling over and hiding beneath my pillows, trying to ignore the mouth-watering smell of him still lingering on the fabric.

I'll call them back when I can answer their questions truthfully.

I fidget for the familiar lighter on my bedside table, fumbling around until I finally grasp it within my fingers. I flop over in bed, resting on my back as I begin flicking it on and off, on and off, like I'm searching for an answer within the flame. I need a blistering distraction, a burn, maybe, to derail my spiraling mind. My heart is swimming with darkness, so thick it's blocking my vision; I need a light to carry me though. 

But, unfortunately for me, the small flame of isn't nearly as strong as the real thing. 

"My Jimin-ssi," I whisper to myself. "Only you can get us out of this mess."