Apples and Snakes

Drink With Me

I was on patrol in the Astronomy Tower again. I kept my wands aloft, both with mild lighting charms on there, so that we could see better, but also so we didn't alert the foe to our presence even though we all knew damn well that we were the only groups there, besides the house-elves, who, except for Dobby, didn't take sides.

"We make food for students," one said to me when I tried to rally the house-elves to fight. "Dolly doesn't want students fighting, but Dolly knows there is no stopping the students, so Dolly will try to at least feed both groups, Miss Alice."

I nodded. "If you can just supply food, that would be wonderful." That's how we didn't starve out from the barricade.

"Stupefy!" I turned, to see Draco Malfoy.

"Petrificus Totalus!" He ducked, and we exchanged a flurry of wordless lights, and drove him back, and he retreated. Another victory for us, I thought.

There was whimpering from a Gryffindor hammock close to mine. I awoke, and went over to the girl, who was awake, crying into her pillow. She looked absolutely exhausted.

We're just children, and we're fighting this war for adults, I thought with a surge of anger and regret. It's not fair that we're the brave ones. The ones outside these walls, if Potterwatch is anything, are too scared to stick up for themselves and their families and neighbors, but their offspring are courageous enough to fight for who they're loyal to.

"Are you okay?" I whispered softly.

Brown eyes focused on me, she sat up abruptly, looking a bit ashamed for being afraid.

"I'm sorry, Alice," she said. "I didn't mean to-"

"No, it's fine. I lay awake a lot of nights, too. I-I just know how it feels. Guilt, regret, doubts. If you're doing the right thing. You've got every right to cry," I said.

She got out, and we sat on the floor next to each other.

"I feel scared, Alice. I just wish I was brave like you," she admitted.

"You are brave," I assured her. "I was just thinking about how you're a child, third-year, right? What's your name again?"

"Natalie MacDonald, and yes, third year," she said, wiping a tear away from her face. "But I'm afraid, and I cry, and-"

"You're fighting, day in and day out, all the time, and you've got the guts that all those witches and wizards beyond these stone walls don't have the courage to do- rebel and take a stand," I explained gently. "We all feel fear. It's how we act in the face of it that matters."

"You don't seem scared of anything," Natalie said, looking at me wide-eyed.

I let out a laugh at that. "Kid, I'm scared of a lot of things. For instance, put me in a small space, and I will cry and scream like a freaking baby. But for the most part, my fears are internal. I'm scared of becoming a monster. But I try to harness it, use it to make me a better person. And I know that when the kids on the other side attack, I've got to fight back, or no one will."

She snickered at the idea of me screaming in some small space, and smiled a little bit.

"It's just, that, I see his face whenever I fall asleep," she said.

"Whose?" I asked.

"The boy who I used Reducto on. The one who I blew to ashes with that spell," Natalie whispered.

I remembered my own feelings regarding the Carrows. "It means you're human, Natalie. It means you have a conscience. Heck, I still see the Carrows sometimes, and the green light, and I know that I was responsible for that, and wonder if I really had the right to do it. Then I remember that I had to do it, and that I can't change what happened."