he is the hamartia

Chapter thirteen

We backed off slowly, I was smiling like I've never had. I have wanted to do that the entire week. However, he did not seem to feel the same way about it, he looked down and seemed bothered... yet, he kissed me back.

-What is it, Eden?

He looked up and seemed confused. I did not know if this was about what I've said or about what I've done. Sorry, what WE have done.

-Why do you seem like you're about to fall out?

-I don't know, Tate... This is insane.

-Since when do you care not being insane?

I was not able to read his emotions, he behaved as if he was going trough every emotion: confusion, pain, anger, annoyance...

-We don't know each other, Tate. There are a million things about me you don't know.

-Then talk to me them, I want to know you Eden.

-I can't Tara.
He has never called me Tara, it must be pretty serious.

-Is this about Chuck? Or your mom?

-There's a reason for you to not know those things, he said annoyed.

I got closer to him and I put my hands on his cheeks.

-Eden, I don't give a shit about how long we have known each other. We are not strangers and you know it... I am not going anywhere. We all have our dark side and secrets, you really don't have to hide with me.

-I think you misunderstood my intentions, he said toughly.

At that moment, something inside me broke. I re-thought about all the situations where he was flirty or where he tried to be attractive... It was all a game to him.

I stood up and looked at him. He was a stranger, how could I believe he was not. He was right, it was insane. What the hell was I thinking?

-It was all a game to you, wasn't it?

-Tate...

-You know what? You're right, I'm a fucking idiot. How could I believe even for a second that you liked me? You think you are way too good for me, don't you?

-I...

-Shut up, I have to go. We have school tomorrow.

I took my coat and left the park. Tears were rolling down my face, tears of embarrassment, sadness, anger, disappointment.

I have been the biggest fool, other students told me that Eden was not a great person to get close with. But as always, I still stay, and I get hurt.

When I get back to my room, Gen was there.
-Hey so lovebirds how did... oh shit, Tate are you ok?

She stood up and hugged me. She was a stranger too.

All of the people I have talked to this week, all of the people I started to get attached. They are all strangers.

-I'm ok, don't worry. Just really tired, so I'll go to sleep.

She was not convinced obviously, I mean I had mascara mixed with tears all over my face.

If you ask anyone in Brighton what my nickname was, they'll tell you (expect Iris obviously) that I was the Iron Lady. Firstly, apparently, I looked like Margaret Thatcher (I've never got this point, I was super tall and brown-haired) and secondly, I never show my emotion. Wherever I was either I was working, writing, or hanging out with Iris. The only time people saw me crying was at my father's funeral. The rest of the time, I try not to cry and to smile at everyone and spread the maximum of positive vibes. But public happiness does not mean real happiness, all the times I cried, and I screamed alone in my room because I felt like I was not good enough. Because beside Iris and my mother, a very limited amount of people really knew me and would remember me. All those people in IOYW or in Brighton, they knew about me what I wanted them to know, if they knew the real me, they wouldn't be so nice. If they knew how pessimist and stubborn and naïvely sensitive, I was, they would not care about me. This is what happened with Eden, I opened myself, I showed a very vulnerable part of me, and he did not like it. He played with it.

That night I did not sleep well, every time I closed my eyes, I saw him looking at me with pity in eyes and it killed me every time.

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The next day, I did what I always do: fake. I faked to be totally okay, I lied to Gen saying I was just a little drunk the day before. You realize how bad is that!? I rather being seen as the drunk-crying girl than the I-just-got-rejected girl. In all the classes I sat with Aaliyah. She is really nice, a little bit too much into science-fiction style but she is cool. I met Eden in a corridor, he was walking alone with his Walkman, he stared at me when I passed by him, but I pretended that I haven't seen him.

This day kind of sum up the entire week, we avoided each other. He was my sidekick and that was all. On Thursday, I've been given an invitation to a party organized by Billy on Saturday. Apparently, his parents live in a city close to New York and they were out of town for the weekend. At first, I did not want to go I was not in the mood of partying. But I wanted to keep the image of the positive girl, so I accepted.

To go to the party, I dressed in a cute plaid skirt and a brown t-shirt with a butterfly on it. I did not know if that was a cool outfit to go to a party.

 Gen told me that I looked amazing, so I thought it was alright. I planned to go to the party with her, concerning the fact she had a car.

When we arrived at the party, I was nervous, as always. Aaliyah could not come so I had no idea who I could be staying with. Eden would not come, it was not his style. And even though he came, I wouldn't have cared.

The house was big, not as huge as you see in the movies, but it was big enough to welcome many students. The music was really, the house smelled alcohol and there were way too many people for me to feel comfortable. When we entered Billy welcomed us and gave us two red cups filled with a liquid that must have been beer. I have got drunk before but it was not my choice. Iris was going through a major heartbreak and she decided to go to a party. She wanted to get drunk but not alone so... well, I ended up throwing up in a stranger's toilet and regretting it for the entire next day. Since that day I promised myself I won't get drunk again, so I took the red cup and put it on a table just after Billy left. For about 2 or 3 hours, I wandered in the house, alone. Few people came to talk to me, but none was a life-changing conversation. At around 11pm, I decided to sit in a corner near to the stairs. But when I arrived, I saw the sit was taken. By taken, I mean that a couple was making out in the weirdest way I have ever seen on the stairs. The girl saw I was there, so she stopped kissing the guy. At first, I did not see his face but when he turned around to see why the girl stopped, I recognized him. The boy I trusted, the boy I started to catch feelings for, the boy I kissed, the boy who rejected me. Eden was making out with this girl.

-Sorry to bother you, I said with a shaking voice.

I turned around and left in the garden. I had nowhere to go but I walked.

How did I find myself into that situation in two weeks?

I have no idea why but I kind of hoped Eden would run after me, say me it was not what I thought, that he did a mistake.

But why would he? He had every right to kiss this girl, we were not dating, we never have.

Yet, my heart was bleeding while my tears were pouring.

*if you see any english mistakes don't hesitate to tell me respectfully, i'll change it :)*