Paranoid Secrets

disorder

'Until now the pain no one knew about
Comes to me once everyday
A visitor I've been awaiting for
Would i be really that used to it like a drug?
Cuz I'm beginning to like it here now'

I'm 18 years old. And turns out , i have PTSD , post traumatic stress disorder.
The severe kind i guess.
Nobody these days , is ready to listen to you , your story and what you have been through. They're all selfish in one way or another.

I don't have friends. Even though people seem to like me , i never get close to anyone a lot.

The reason i have PTSD and other chronic disorders is my family. It's a heavily unpleasant time at home. I've been treated badly physically and emotionally.
Often i break down 7 times a day
I'm miserable everyday as i am reminded of my traumatic experience everyday , as new are added.

And due to PTSD , I'm sad at random times for no reason at all , a deep low depressive phase takes over me once every day. And at that time , I'm not able to move , or even ask for help as I'm caged here in the house. I write when I'm so low.

Rememberance of physical hurt done by my mother , sister and father , hurt me everyday. I'm almost depressed all the time.
Every morning i get so low that climbing up again is a hard task.

Climbing up again once you have reached the depth of your long hole is hard. I wonder if u can do it solely , without anyone's help.
Sometimes i do think i need help. Sometimes i just need solitude. And no body around me. But him.

The effects , of trauma , are very unfortunately evident deep inside me.

I'm not sure if I'm normal anymore
I can't decide, think or move
I can't understand mostly of what anybody says
My mind is numb and slow now
I don't know how to react with people
To be myself , totally a sculpture . My mind is always exhausted
I feel I'm more tired than anyone around me
All i have is memories
Bad memories
And some bad habits,

The amount of stress my family and the place where i live has given me , I don't think i can explain that in words.

It's like I'm a ghost