Paranoid Secrets

pt2

'How can you stop a man determined
How can you stop a man determined to ruin himself
The incomplete task that his own people did
How can you stop him from completing it?
You can't stop a broken heart from doing the reckless.'

I have a habit to stay silent
I have a habit to lose.
Cuz there my every single word is judged and insulted.
So the unsaid words take the form of weight It weighs too much sometimes.
Enough that i just want to fill up that water in front of me up my nostrils and let them end me.
And sometimes when i want to cry i can't. Cuz then they will think I'm being too sensitive and scold me.
They shouldn't know.

It's dangerous for me... Crying and getting hurt. Due to the immense pain that i feel everyday in my heart , it makes me feel that a bit too much of it, and i can suddenly die of a heart attack.
.

And about the pain in my back and heart , if i tell my parents about it , they don't care anyway. And then purposely hit me mercilessly there, on my back and chest. And see me drop on the floor in immense pain. Wanting to be dead by it . Wanting to end me. Seems like that's what they enjoy.

I wanted to be a beautiful soul. With a beautiful dream in my mind. And an ambitious and passionate person . I was so certain about what i want to do and so confident in myself about my personality and behaviour and many talents.  I thought i  was full of passion and talent and love. I thought i could conquer the world and be a number one person in the world. Great. Was my word.

But as depression entered into my life it seemed to change everything. I remember questioning myself why I don't no more like the things that i loved. Why i no more have that passion and magic in me....why am i suddenly so anxious and scared of everything in my life. Why i break down for small little unreasonable and unpredictable things.

Will things change soon?
Will i escape this hole alone?
Even though this whole trauma i have a hope. Hope clinged to me.
A boy whom i know since childhood.
What will happen when we next meet?
Cuz him and me , when together , it has never been normal.

It's almost like a supernatural thing between us.  Creepy and frightening.
He's never been a normal guy to me.
He's far beyond that concept.