Paranoid Secrets

first meet

The thing so unnatural about the guy is that whenever he is around, it's a different feeling , that i don't have with anyone else .

It's a hard time controlling myself when he is just right in front of me.
Cuz everytime our eyes meet i want to forget where i am and run with him somewhere far away.

It's dangerous , the way my heart aches when he's around. I love the way it hurts for him. and it grows. Grows more and I'm afraid if i cannot control myself one day and cry.
He's my distant family member. And every time we meet it's almost always in some kind of family ceremony.
With him , I'm not afraid of a heart break.
Or the pain that comes with loving him.
I just want to love him , once in my life. Even if we can't share a future together, even if we have each other for a very short time. I still want to try.
But it just isn't about that, moving forward he has to make my dreams his , make my wishes , his wishes ...and most importantly , he has to accept me for who i am. A broken , sad , sensitive person. Will he accept me ? Will he get annoyed by me or will he handle me well? Will we share the same dreams ? Will he try and give his best to fulfill my dreams ?
Will he stand all the conditions i have ?
Will i really be happy with him?
The thing that i dread the most will it happen ?
Now or later?
Questions form up in my mind.
But for all i know is , I'll observe. I need that person. As soon as i can.

So tomorrow , we have to attend a ceremony. Of a person , who's going to marry soon. In our family

and i believe he will be there too.

I think of red velvet cheese cake as i get ready to go to the function. ( Don't mind it's my favourite cake :P )
In the car i was listening to a song that reminded me of him terribly. Anxious , very anxious to meet him , see him.
The hurt in my heart remaining constant as I drive with my family.

Crazy how i was totally fine throughout the ride, not thinking of him , no pain , no flowers or needles , no fears . No intense doubts. No hope , no wish. Everything felt so normal. Until the destination became close. Until we were close to the place. Until i saw my other relatives. Until i saw how decorated and lighted up the hotel was.
Cuz after that it wasn't the same. As if a feeling long waiting to show itself was set free. Inside me anxious hatred rose. I was scared... I was so very scared. It had started paining. As if the wire mess in my heart was forming again. This time in the right way.

I was scared because if he really is there then i will have to meet him , look at his eyes, look at his body. Look at his hand ,hi glasses , his hair , his neck , cheeks , eyelids , smile, lips. All this , it's dangerous. His presence itself is dangerous. For my heart.

Scared i was being an idiot and hoping too much. Expecting too much. What an idiot.