Breathe Again

10: You Can't Just Walk Away From Your Problems

It is later in the evening and Isaac is out for a walk to clear his head. He can't stop his thoughts from lingering on the brief kiss though, on the feeling of Liam's lips against his. So he keeps walking, and hopes with every step that he can walk further away from that memory even though it is ingrained in his brain, synapses firing every time he remembers the memory.

He left Liam with only a handful of words a simple 'I need a walk' as soon as they settled into the hostel. There was something about the sight of that cramped room, two bunk beds pushed against a wall and just enough room to pace, that made Isaac urgently need to escape. To clear his head, forget everything, and try to avoid the regret and guilt he feels washing over him in waves.

There's just too much to unpack - Liam kissed him? Out of all of it that makes the least sense to Isaac. Liam has never given any indication that he's been into boys, and more importantly, Liam has been in a relationship with Penny for as long as Isaac can remember. It had to have been a mistake, or a joke, or something else that Isaac hasn't just grasped yet. Because the only solution that doesn't make sense is that Liam actually meant it, that Liam wanted to kiss Isaac because he liked Isaac.

Isaac is thinking about it again and so he shakes his head as if it's an etch-a-sketch and everything will disappear if he does that. Instead, it only amplifies the memory and Isaac hates how it's consuming his thoughts, any attempt to think about anything else leads him back to that single memory, the single press of their lips together, and the way that Isaac could feel Liam's heartbeat loud under his skin. Isaac knows that that kiss is going to haunt his dreams - nightmares? - for the next few nights, and he realises then that this trip might be the worst idea he has ever had. Why did he think a trip with his crush would be a good idea? It's only day 2 and already Isaac's feels like his life has become far more complicated than he ever would have liked.

The desire to message Daniel and beg him for advice is overwhelming, but Isaac isn't entirely sure he's able to vocalise exactly what the situation is. "Oh hey Daniel, I've just realised I've been harbouring a major crush on Liam for a while, I know you had a similar situation with Jonah so just wondered if you could let me know how to get through it? Oh, by the way, he kissed me too." Even the thought of the conversation, of Daniel's mix of excitement and trepidation that he would no doubt have makes Isaac feel as if he may be sick. He can't place exactly why he feels nervous but right now the thought of seeing Liam's face again is making his stomach turn in a way Isaac supposes most people would describe as butterflies. These don't feel like butterflies though, they feel like killer wasps stinging his insides.

So Isaac keeps walking and hoping that as time passes everything might start to make sense. He doesn't have much hope though. So he keeps putting one foot in front of the other and considers his options. There only seems to be one that seems realistic, to return back to the hostel eventually and sit through a potentially awkward with Liam. It's not ideal, but it's something, and Isaac knows that he can't let one kiss ruin his friendship with Liam. Especially as he imagines Liam wants to forget it as much as he does, although admittedly for different reasons. Isaac is still overwhelmed by the guilt he feels - Liam is dating Penny and Isaac has never endorsed cheating - but he figures this can perhaps be written off as a stupid mistake, an accident, besides, Liam kissed him, Isaac figures while it takes two to tango he has some innocence in this situation.

So having somewhat rationalised the situation in his head (although Isaac himself will be the first to admit that he doesn't feel any better having done it) he decides he should turn back to the hostel, finally realising he's walked much further than he anticipated.

By the time he gets back his feet are screaming and Liam looks up with an anxious expression on his face when Isaac opens the door to their room.

"I thought you'd disappeared," Liam says quietly, "or left."