Breathe Again

23: A Friendly Chat or An Interrogation?

Liam is no stranger to making mistakes, but somehow this feels like a mistake to eclipse all mistakes, he feels like he's walked into something he can't get himself out of, fallen into a hole so deep that he can no longer see the sky.

He stares at the ceiling and lets his mind wander, he's trying to stop himself from doing so as he knows where his brain is going to take him. There's something reassuring though in this casual escapism, and he knows that no matter how much it aches in his heart, imagining Isaac is still better than facing up to the reality that there's nothing there between them anyway. That whatever was there has gone rotten and eroded away.

"We really need to get you out of the house," Jonah says from the other side of the room.

He's looking at Liam with some concern which is unsurprising given that Liam is still wearing his pyjamas at 5pm, and has been staring up at the ceiling for the past 30 minutes. Liam can't exactly remember the last time he put proper clothes on, and the last time he had a shower was only because Jonah forced him to. So the concern is justified, but that doesn't mean that Liam appreciates it.

"I'm fine."

"Oh yeah you look super fine," Jonah says, tone full of sarcasm, "I mean you and Isaac are the absolute poster boys of fine at the moment."

Liam hates the way his chest constricts at the sound of Isaac's name. He wants to ask so many questions, he wants to ask how Isaac is doing, how his preparation for university is going, when exactly he's leaving. But Liam won't allow himself. Daniel and Jonah aren't stupid, they must know something happened between him and Isaac, but that doesn't mean that Liam intends on giving them any more ammunition for questions. Besides it's not just his story to tell, and Liam supposes that if Isaac is keeping silent then he should probably do the same.

"Seriously Liam," Jonah's tone is quieter than before, his words more carefully placed, the hesitation is clear, "are you okay?"

"I've been better."

"You know eventually you might as well tell me what's got you into such a funk, I mean obviously it's to do with Isaac given that the two of you appear to be on non-speaking terms, but the rest of it is a bit of a mystery. And obviously I'm going to be here for you no matter what, Liam." Jonah sighs. "I just wish you trusted me enough to let me in, it might help me to help you."

"I don't need help."

Jonah lets out a laugh of disbelief but doesn't actively say anything. Liam simply glowers at him.

"Seriously Jonah, I don't need help. I'm okay, Isaac is okay, we're just not... friends, I guess, anymore."

"I guess I just don't entirely understand what happened."

You and me both, Liam thinks. That's not entirely sure he supposes, but it feels a little like he is trying to build a jigsaw but one of the pieces is missing, and no matter where he looks he just can't seem to find it.

Here are the pieces Liam has:

Penny. Liam knows that Isaac is pissed off at him for leading him on while he's still with Penny. But Liam also knows that he and Penny are currently a few weeks past the end of a very messy breakup, past the point of screaming and finally reaching the stage of endless questions, mainly why. It was mutual, but drawn out and upsetting and it still feels a little like poking at an open wound when Liam thinks about it. But it's over, definitively, and Liam would be lying if he didn't say there was a bit of relief mixed in with the sadness.

Liam. Liam has himself, and he likes to think that he knows himself pretty well. He's been with him for eighteen years now after all, and Liam's never been one to be afraid of being himself or of speaking his mind. That's why he's so confident in the feeling he can feel burning through him like the aftereffects of spirits on a cold night. Liam could place it almost as soon as it arose, but that didn't mean it didn't catch him unaware. He's never particularly been interested in guys before, but then Isaac appeared with his car and his stupid tie-tying skills, and his ability to say exactly the right thing at exactly the right moment.